Becoming Me
by PyroDragon2006
Summary: After a mysterious head injury, John struggles to rediscover his place within Atlantis, unaware that the city itself may hold the key to regaining what he lost. Warning: Rated T for some rough language. John's POV. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Becoming Me

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or anything else related to Stargate Atlantis, nor am I receiving any profit from it. This is purely for free entertainment purposes only.

Author's Note: This is from Sheppard's point of view, and contains no ship except friendship. Conversations are marked standard (" " ) and thoughts are in italics.

Chapter 1 What's Up, Doc?

The return to consciousness was slow, and anything but pleasant. My head throbbed in time with my heart beat, which I could feel throughout my body.

_Who decided to ring the giant bell in my cranium? Hope they know how ta run **real fast** 'cause I've got a bullet with their name on it!_

I really didn't want to move, but something was poking me on the leg and I'd just about had it. I tried to move away from whatever it was, only to have hands clamp down on the abused limb. The tiny pokes and tugs continued. That feeling was familiar, but I just couldn't place it. No matter. All I wanted to do was find the offending item and break it. Though it _would _help if I opened my eyes first.

_Mistake!_

Harsh, bright light assaulted my eyes, but before I could complain, they abruptly dimmed. Much better. At least for a moment.

_Doctor with annoying penlight, twelve o'clock high!_

"Can ya hear me, son?"

_Make that annoying **Scottish** doctor._

The man's accent was thick, almost to the point where I had trouble understanding him. As I blinked away the afterimages from the light, he came into my view. After hearing him call me 'son', I wasn't expecting someone who looked only a little older then me. Not to mention the fact that his brown hair obeyed a comb about as much as mine did. Other then that, he really wasn't someone I would have remarked on if I'd met him walking down the street. Which, come to think of it, would be a little hard considering there were no streets where we were. Turning away as I struggled to stay awake, he addressed someone unseen.

"I think he may actually be coherent this time. I really donna want him rippin' out those stitches again!"

Stitches! That's what the tugging on my leg had been! Wonder what I did this time?

"Come on now, John! I need ya ta keep your eyes open for me just a wee bit longer! Open them up again, son!"

_Might as well get this over with. Though if he keeps calling me son, I may be tempted to call him some names in return. They just won't be as nice!_

It took a minute, but my eyes quit their latest round of watering and the doctor once again came into focus.

"Go away, I'm sleeping!" I muttered, hoping the man would take the hint. No such luck.

"Aye, I know ya hate this, lad, but after the blow you took, not ta mention your recent tumble outta bed, I need to ask you some questions. Can ya tell me your name?"

_Oh, goody. Neural checks to see if I've lost any marbles._

"John Sheppard."

"Good. Now, where are ya?"

_Well, that's a stupid one! With this headache and a doc hovering over me, there's only one place I **could** be!_

"Damn infirmary!"

_Shut up, go away, and let me sleep! I hate doctors! Oh, good one, John, you just riled your head up more!_

Now it felt like an entire construction company was at work in my head! Or maybe it was demolition? To top it all off, there was someone else there, and they were _laughing_ at me!

"Well, I canna speak to the religious state o' the area, but ya got the second part right. Now, where is the infirmary?"

It seemed I had a comedian for a doctor. Two could play at that game!

"Right turn, down the stairs, first door on the left!"

"John!" A woman's voice chided me gently, but I could hear the laugh she was trying hard to suppress. Rolling my head carefully, I brought her into my view. She was pretty, with a strong, yet feminine, face and short dark hair. Her fair complexion was nicely set off by the red of the shirt that she wore. I'd seen her somewhere before, I just couldn't quite place her. It was almost as if my mind slammed down a wall as soon as I started to recall. Weird. Must be the head injury. For her, I decided to relent and answer the question, though.

"Frozen wasteland. Back end of beyond. McMurdo."

Before I could even finish the base name, my eyes were sliding irresistibly closed. My last conscious moments for a while took place in the stunned silence my response had produced, but I wasn't able to question it. That was my second mistake.

The next time that I awoke, the ache in my head was milder. Someone seemed to have fired about half the construction company. It was quiet around me on the outside, too, and someone had moved the white cloth privacy barriers that had previously blocked my view of the room. And that room looked _wrong. _Columns lined with softly glowing blue lights and stained glass windows were definitely _not_ standard U.S. Air Force issue.

_Sheppard, I don't think you're in Kansas anymore!_

Wait a minute! I had seen those two before! I had ferried them to and from that strange international research station set up on the middle of a glacier! Never could figure out what could possibly be that interesting in the middle of nowhere. So, was this weird infirmary under those domes? What was I doing here? The last thing that I remembered was..._wince_ three jerks waylaying me in the gym when I went to work out early in the morning. _That_ wasn't anything surprising, though.

I hadn't exactly been welcomed with open arms at McMurdo. The base commander was a real stickler for the regulations, and having a maverick screw-up like me pushed on him hadn't exactly sat well. His buddies had taken it upon themselves to make my life miserable whenever I was on the ground, and the jerk turned a blind eye. I didn't really care, though. I was able to fly. That was all that mattered. Until now, the harassment had all been minor stuff anyway, like shaving cream in my flight helmet or the base laundry conveniently 'losing' my clothing. The looks in their eyes when they locked the gym door, though...

"Awake again, are we? Can ya tell me your name?"

_Here we go again! My favorite doc is back!_

"John Sheppard, Major, United States Air Force."

_There! Let's see how he likes **that **answer!_

He didn't, from the look on his face. Maybe it was time to start asking some questions of my own.

"What's going on here, doc? Where am I, anyway?"

That received a troubled glance and a weary sigh.

"You were injured in an accident, Col- Major. Seems you've got a touch o' amnesia. Now, I don't want ya ta worry about it, these things usually sort themselves out once the effects of the concussion ease."

"And my leg?"

"Just a wee bit o' a cut. It'll be sore for a while, that 's all. Are ya still nauseous, son?"

_Again with the son. And don't worry! Who was he kidding?_

"Nauseous?" Rolling my head to the right, I saw a basin standing ready on the table. "No, not at the moment. You said this usually clears up? Just how long am I missing?"

"I'd rather you remember that on your own. Go back to sleep, son. We have ta wake you every two hours for a neural check as it is. I'll be in my office. Just call if ya need anythin', I'll hear."

Did I mention how much I hate doctors? He started to turn away, only to be stopped short by my slightly snippy question.

"And just what _do _I call you?"

I watched as he wearily closed his eyes for a moment, wincing at my tone. The poor guy probably didn't deserve that, especially since he looked dead on his feet, but...I don't exactly take well to situations that I don't have any control over.

"I'm sorry. Dr. Carson Beckett."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Life's Little Surprises

Things definitely went down hill from there. I would no sooner get to sleep, it seemed like, then someone would come to wake me again- and again- and again! Penlight to check how well my pupils were dilating, blood pressure, temperature, pulse, all checked. Then came the questions. The ones that they insisted I answer every time, the best I could, though I knew the answers couldn't be right. Not with the way they looked at me as the hours passed and my memory showed no improvement. I could see it all- the growing worry, the darting glances at each other, the muttered comments in medical-ese. Any attempt to demand answers met a solid brick wall. Built by a certain Scot, I had no doubt.

Finally, Beckett himself appeared to tell me there would be no more two hour wake-up calls. I was finally allowed to fall into the deep sleep that my body so craved...

When I next awoke, the infirmary was a bustle of activity. People scurried here and there, machines were moved around, and orders shouted. Two gurneys with still forms on them were pulled past me, and above it all came that distinctive Scottish brogue. Two people were standing near my bed, but paying attention to whatever was causing all the ruckus. One was the brunette I remembered laughing at me, but the other was a slightly pudgy, balding man that I didn't recognize. They were speaking quietly to each other, but I wasn't able to hear them over the noise. Then, as quickly as it started, the bustling stopped. Dr. Beckett appeared, hurrying toward us, so I quickly closed my eyes, pretending to still be asleep. Not an easy task when you're still hooked to a heart monitor.

"Elizabeth, Rodney. The Colonel still asleep?" Beckett, addressing the other two.

_Wait a minute, what colonel?_

"He is. I swear the man could sleep through a nuclear explosion! Did you know that he slept right through me yelling once?" That must be the man, and he sounded just a bit exasperated. I could hear just a hint of an accent, but couldn't quite place it. Minnesotan, maybe? No...

"Good. Rest is the best thing ta heal that concussion."

"It's been almost thirty hours, Carson! I didn't think even Sheppard could sleep this much!" The man sounded as if I were injured just to inconvenience him!

_Whiny, sarcastic, this guy was a real winner! He seemed to be actually concerned about me, though._

"Rodney." The woman used a soft exasperation that made it clear she was used to this. "Carson, how are Sergeant Stackhouse and Captain Zhukov?"

"They should be just fine with time. Dr. Kirran is settin' the sergeant's arm now, and the captain was just stunned. Looked a lot worse than it was since head wounds always bleed a great deal. Kavanaugh better not come near here for a while, though!" The doc's voice was angry, accent actually thinning a little.

_I wouldn't want to be in that guy's shoes! The doc sounds **pissed**._

Another person approached, their heavy military style shoes making them easy to track.

"Do we know what happened, exactly?" The woman again, tiredly.

"Yes, ma'am." The new person, clearly military. "I just debriefed Sergeant Stackhouse and Sergeant Lee. They came under attack from unknown hostiles on P451-900. Instead of deferring to the military personnel, Dr. Kavanaugh apparently tried giving his own orders. Stackhouse and Zhukov were injured while covering Lee, who was dragging the _doctor_ back to the gate."

_Gate? Hostiles? What the hell!_

"Thank you, major."

I could hear the steady march as the unidentified major left. This was making no sense whatsoever.

"Dr. Weir, I'm makin' a formal request that..._the doctor..._" The disdain almost dripped from Dr. Beckett's words as he decided on a title, "be restricted from all off-world missions pending a review. The man's a bloody menace!"

_OOOh! Very unhappy doctor! Wait a minute..._

"Off-World!" I didn't _actually_ mean to say that aloud. My eyes flew open to find myself surrounded by the others.

"Just how mucha that did ya hear, Colonel?" Dr. Beckett eyed me suspiciously.

"**Colonel!"** That one jolted me into a sitting position, in spite of the resulting explosion in my head. While I waited for the room to quit spinning, I felt the top of the bed come up to support me.

"Easy now, it'll pass in a minute. Just rest back against the pillow, son... I'm sorry. I shoulda been watchin' what I said." The brogue was somehow reassuring, familiar, in spite of what I'd just heard.

Soon, I was able to open my eyes again, immediately looking to the woman- _Dr. Weir- _for answers. Her brown eyes met mine for a long moment, then nervously dropped.

"You don't know who I am, do you John?" She whispered that so low I almost didn't hear it.

"No. But I _do_ know that this sure as hell ain't Antarctica, and last I checked, there were bets on how soon I'd get busted back to _captain_, not make _colonel_ !"

Somehow that seemed to reassure her. Straightening, her authority settling on her like a cloak, she stared straight back at me. "Lieutenant Colonel, actually, and the military commander of this facility. Which make you second-in-command to me of this entire expedition."

_Oh shit. Just how much of my memory was I missing!_

Unfortunately, when I asked that question aloud, the doc was immediately shaking his head.

"No. No more. I want him to remember as much as possible on his own. Amnesia can-"

"Make someone _really cranky_! This is my life and I want to know what the hell is going on!"

_Not exactly polite, but the man shouldn't be playing games with me._

I fixed him with my best glare, guaranteed to have errant airmen quaking in their boots. As the silence lengthened, tense, the other man- _Rodney_- spoke for the first time since I had shown I was awake.

"Ah, Carson. I don't mean to butt in on your voodoo, but... Do you really want to try corralling an awake, confused, irritated, ignorant, and determined Sheppard in your infirmary!"

Okay, so maybe the guy wasn't so bad after all. At that point, I was willing to take any help I could get. A strangled cough turned my attention to Dr. Weir. Once again, the woman was trying desperately to stifle a laugh! With a disgusted eye roll, the doc gave in.

"You do have a point, Rodney. Answerin' some basic questions now might help stimulate memory recall, too. Colonel, this is Dr. Rodney McKay and Dr. Elizabeth Weir. As fer where ya are..."

"Can we show him? Using a wheelchair, of course, and only for a few minutes." Weir glanced inquiringly at Beckett and I held my breath. Something told me this was a suggestion that I wanted him to agree with.

_Off-world? Just what **have** you gotten yourself into this time, John ol' boy?_

"Colonel? Son!" A hand on my shoulder got my attention. With a start, I realized that Beckett had been addressing me.

"Sorry, doc, I'm just...I'm not used to answering to that rank yet."

"Aye, I can understand that. How are ya feelin', exactly? None o' your lies, either!"

_Lies? Lying to a doctor who is only trying to help me? Would I do that? Oh, wait. Yes, I would._

"If ya didn't seem like such a nice guy, I'd be insulted, doc. I'm good, really. Dizziness is gone and even my headache is mild."

"Mild fer you, colonel, is often migraine proportions for anyone else! Your pain threshold is so high it can be bloody dangerous! Alright, I'll let ya take a short trip."

I was so eager to get some answers that I didn't even object to the wheelchair. Much. It helped that I wasn't in one of those humiliating hospital gowns, instead wearing a set of red surgical scrubs. The doc fussed for a bit, checking everything, spreading a blanket over my lap, but finally gave the go ahead. Good thing, too. I was about at the end of what little patience I had left. Surprisingly, it was Dr. Weir herself who started pushing me, as well as starting the explanation.

"In the 1920's, an archaeological team in Giza uncovered a huge stone ring with symbols on it. Some sort of massive alien device. It took until the mid-1990's for anyone to figure out- reliably- how it worked. Scientists working in conjunction with the United States Air Force found out that it was part of a transportation system between worlds. They were built a millennium ago by an advanced race of humans known as the Alterrans, or Ancients. We call them Stargates. Unfortunately, many of the aliens we met when explorations through the gate started weren't exactly friendly. In order to find more of the technology left behind by the Ancients, including weapons to help defend Earth, this expedition gated to another galaxy. We've been here for two years, now."

_Another galaxy! Travel to other worlds! Beam me up, Scotty, I'm trapped in a science fiction show!_

"You're not kidding, are you?" The question came out as a strangled whisper, my mind unable to truly process everything I'd just been told.

"No, John, I'm not kidding." Weir answered me soberly as we moved through the graceful, alien halls.

It was only then that I noticed that Doc Beckett and Mr. Annoying were trailing along behind us. Waiting just ahead, in front of what looked like a floor to ceiling stained glass window, were two more people. They were the most unlikely pair I'd ever seen.

The man was tall, well over six feet, with dark hair in long dreadlocks loosely tied back over his shoulder. A short beard, scowling expression, and brooding eyes nicely completed the picture. He looked to be casually leaning against a wall, waiting, but my gut told me that was definitely a deception. This hulking man was dangerous, a fighter.

In contrast, his companion was a polar opposite. She was a petite, sunny smiling woman with rich long honey brown hair and a bronze skinned complexion. She was in a word, beautiful. More importantly, though, was the sense of peace and calm that seemed to permeate her, soothing any in her presence.

"John! You are looking much better than when I saw you last night!" Her warm, full voice matched her appearance well.

_Place can't be all bad if I have two beautiful women both calling me John._

Sheppard Rule of Thumb: If you don't know how to respond, try humor.

"Thanks. So where are we, anyway? The Lost City of Atlantis?"

Ooooh-kaaaay. Stunned silence was not the response I had been expecting. Before I could question it, the 'window' proved to be a door, sliding aside to reveal a balcony overlooking-

"Holy shit!" It was a whisper. Ignoring hands and protests, not to mention a spinning head, I stood up out of the chair and limped to the railing. Spread below me, so massive I wasn't sure of the exact scale, was part of a glittering city. It sat -_floated?_- on a vast ocean, stretching as far as the eye could see. A cool, salty breeze blew against my face, reminding me of visits to the beach as a child. Hanging onto the rail tightly, I looked up behind me to see a massive central tower rising, like the main candle on a birthday cake.

_Atlantis indeed._

The moment I thought that, I felt...peace, welcome, belonging, everything I had been missing for so long. My headache vanished, taking the slight vertigo and nausea with it. Strength washed though my shaky limbs and I let go of my death grip on the railing. Somehow, at that moment, it no longer mattered that I couldn't remember these people or this place. Everything just felt _right_, in a way I had never experienced on the ground before.

_Things would be fine_.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Fallacy of Optimism

_Everything will be fine. No problem. Just dandy. Yeah, right, tell yourself another one, John._

It had been three days since I was first introduced to the city of Atlantis. Three _long, boring_ days, confined to a bed in the infirmary. Now, I was finally free. Not that I was supposed to be going very far, mind you. Just to my quarters...wherever the hell _that_ was. The doc had given me some pretty precise directions after I'd repeatedly turned down the offer of an escort, but I'd obviously taken a wrong turn somewhere.

So here I was, completely lost, and not _about _to ask anyone for directions. I was a _pilot_, for crying out loud! I was used to determining my location from the terrain flashing by below me, and that was often pretty featureless, so how could I _possibly_ lose my way in a handful of corridors!

Carefully, I retraced my steps to the T-junction. On my left was a corridor and to the right was another ornate door masquerading as a stained glass window. I was certain Beckett had told me _left_, but something inside me said _right._ An unrelenting pressure in my head, pushing me... An effect of the concussion? Or my subconscious trying to allow a memory to break through?

_I sure hope its the latter. Alright then, right it is._

Decision made, I turned, walked through the door, which opened automatically for me, and... found myself in an alien closet. Lovely. With a sigh, I spun around, hoping to exit before anyone saw me, and had to close my eyes against another dizzy spell. Straightening back up with a stern mental reminder to take it slow, I walked back out- only to find myself somewhere other then where I'd started.

_Damn! Stupid alien city in some galaxy I've never heard of! How'd I get here, anyway? Me! Mr. Obscure Major exiled to the most remote base in the world. Why would **anyone** pick me to head up the military on what has to be the craziest, most desperate Hail-Mary expedition of all time?_

I had tried asking that to everyone I could, of course, but no further explanations had come, which was one of the reasons that the last few days had been so boring. People came to see me, but when I started with the questions, most grew very nervous and beat a hasty retreat. The sheer volume had been pretty startling, actually. I'd never been one to let many people close to me, especially since Afghanistan...

I jumped as someone touched my elbow. Looking up, I realized that I had wandered into a large room full of people. Dr. Elizabeth Weir was standing beside me, one hand on my arm and a concerned look on her face.

"John? Are you all right? I thought Carson had sent you to rest in your quarters."

_Great, how do I explain this one?_

Stalling for time, I made a show of observing my surroundings, hoping to think of a better answer than 'Colonel Sheppard can't follow directions.' Then, I walked to the rail and really did lose myself in awe, unable to help gawking.

I was on the second level of a large, circular room, lighted by multiple stained glass windows. All around me were alien consoles, which seemed to be made of glass and crystal. I had to resist the urge to put my hands into my pockets like a small child in a china shop. Hodge-podged in with the consoles, I noticed a number of very ordinary looking laptop computers with the Atlantis logo on the covers. Men and women were working quietly and conversing in at least three different languages, with at least six different national flags adorning the shoulders of their uniforms. Dr. Weir's and my American flags would have made seven.

_Plus the Scottish doctor and the Canadian pain-in-the-ass. Wow! This really was an international mission._

"John? Why don't we talk in my office?" Weir jiggled my elbow a little to get my attention, then pointed to a glass walled room not far away. "You look like you need to sit down."

Boy did she have _that_ right, 'cause I'd just seen it. A large, gray metal ring, the bottom sunk into the floor. On it, the dotted symbols which, in the correct combination, would open a gateway to another world. A handful of steps...

_I wonder if it hurts? The greatest adventure humans could ever imagine lay through-_

"-the Stargate." I didn't realize I'd said anything aloud until Dr. Weir answered me.

"Yes. Wait until you actually see it operational. Come on, just in here."

Taking me into the glass office, she pushed me down into a chair, sat down opposite, and waited.

_Oh, what the heck, this woman's probably already seen me at my worst._

"I got lost. I thought Beckett told me to go left, but I kept feeling like I had to go right... I walked into this little room and the next thing I knew, I was here." I could feel my face flushing, and intently studied my hands in my lap, refusing to look up.

_I'm such an idiot! Colonel in the US military? Suuuure._

The silence stretched uncomfortably long, finally bringing my head up, hazel eyes meeting brown ones. It seemed to be what she had been waiting for.

"Did it seem almost as if someone else was there, inside you, pushing?"

My jaw hit the floor. How had she known? Was I insane? I guess she took my utterly stunned look as a yes.

"You're not going crazy." She was good at mind reading, too. "It's how you've described it before when Atlantis seemed to be communicating with you."

_**Before**...the operative word here. **Before**_ _all my memories of this place went on vacation. I just hoped it was a short one._

"Atlantis? Commun- You mean the city _talks_ to me!"

She shook her head, looking away as she obviously struggled to find a way to explain. "Not exactly. Atlantis isn't really alive, but she does run on a highly advanced computer that occasionally seems to contact you. All the people here who have the Ancient gene can interact somewhat with her, but _you_ are the strongest. You do it naturally, even unconsciously."

"Is that why every time I wanted to sleep, the lights in the infirmary dimmed automatically?"

I'd first realized that the staff weren't doing it when Carson had been caught in the middle of the room by it and tripped over something, cursing loudly in Gaelic. The nurse on duty had steadfastly avowed her innocence. Dr. Weir must have heard about the incident as well, because I saw her lips begin twitching suspiciously.

"I'm afraid so. Doors will open automatically for you, too, instead of having to use the control panel like the rest of us. It's turned out to be quite an advantage for us several times."

_Shit. An advantage, that's all I was. The apparent winner of some genetic lottery._

It wasn't hard for me to fill in what she hadn't said. I was there because of the gene. Somehow, command of the Atlantis military contingent must have been the price she paid to keep me. Nothing had really changed, in spite of the seeming friendship I'd seen so far.

"Nobody really trusts me. An accident of birth..."

Speaking thoughts out loud unintentionally seemed to be a bad habit I'd picked up lately. A gasp made me look up. Dr. Weir looked as if she had been abruptly hit with a two by four. Astonishment, horror, sadness, and anger all flashed across her face. My gut clenched. I wasn't sure what I had expected, but this certainly wasn't it.

"No! You are military commander because there is _no one_ I'd rather work with, _no one_ I trust more! The gene is irrelevant! Do you hear me, John Sheppard?"

Oh, I heard it, all right, and every instinct I had told me she was telling the truth. I _could_ and _did_ trust this woman.

_Now, what was her first name?_

"Yes, Elizabeth." The answer to her question, as well as my internal one, seemed to slip off my tongue before I could even think about it. Best of all, it felt _right_. The pressure that had led me here eased, then abruptly vanished, thankfully taking a large portion of my pounding headache with it. Now, I was just very tired.

"Good." She sat back, still watching me intently. "You look like you could use some rest. Why don't I show you where your quarters actually are? We wouldn't want you taking another wrong turn and winding up in the women's showers, now, would we?"

Ouch! This woman did not play fair! Honestly, though, I did want to rest. Elizabeth...and Atlantis...had given me a lot to think about.

_Was this truly a place I could call home?_

A week later, I still wasn't sure, and that was bad news- for everyone. As my strength returned and the dizzy spells eased, I had begun to explore this place, hoping to jar loose a few memories. It hadn't worked.

I also tried to re-establish relationships with the people around me. That hadn't been a whopping success, either. Before too long, almost everyone was carefully avoiding me rather then deal with my lack of memories. It hadn't been all their fault, either. The more time that passed, the more frustrated I became with the lack of progress. Frustration turned to anger. Anger, in turn, fueled the snapping and snarking at any within my vicinity. Dark Side indeed. Thank you, Yoda.

I was bored. _Very, very bored._

Currently, I was sitting at a mess hall table, picking at the food I really had no intention of eating in spite of the doc's threats of what he would do if my appetite didn't return. The soft clatter of a tray being placed on the table directly across from me brought my head up.

"Is this seat taken?" Teyla Emmagen, Athosian leader, local guide, and a member of my team.

_Words. That's all they were. Labels someone told me applied to this woman. There was no emotional content, no connection to a past I share with her._

She was staring at me expectantly, one eyebrow raised. "No, its fine."

"John...Your memories of the past two years have not begun to return."

"No, they haven't."

I wasn't exactly in a talkative mood, having just come from one of the required sessions with Atlantis' resident psychologist. Like most soldiers, I'd long ago learned the proper _BS_ to give those docs, but it didn't mean I had to like it. I'll give Teyla this, she was persistent. No matter how long I sat there, silent, she didn't leave, either. When it finally appeared that we would still be there at Christmas, I finally gave in.

_What is it with the women around here and being able to out stubborn me?_

"It's been almost two weeks, Teyla. I'm beginning to doubt that anything will ever come back. And... _Damn it_, this is _my_ life! No one will even tell me how I got hurt in the first place!"

Without thinking, my hand came down hard on the table, sending Teyla's juice and my own water sloshing. The lights in the room began blinking wildly, and the door whooshed open though no one was there. I flushed, ashamed at my sudden lack of control, but fortunately, we were alone at the moment. My companion didn't even flinch, just kept calmly staring at me.

"When this has occurred with my people, we do not isolate them. We tell them stories of what has been. If it aids the return of what was lost, excellent, if it does not, they still feel themselves to be a part of the community. Perhaps you should speak with Doctor Beckett about trying this approach?"

She made several very good points, and it opened a way for me to take control of the situation. Finally resolved to take this bull by the horns, I stood, knowing that I might actually be able to sleep that night.

_Tomorrow...Tomorrow I'll meet with the doc and Weir, and we'll just see about this._

From the knowing smile on Teyla's face, this must have been exactly the reaction she was hoping for.

"Thank you, Teyla. I don't have to have my memories to know that I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

Just being in her presence had made me feel calmer, more in control.

"You are most welcome. I am always available to you should you need a friend, John. Have faith, everything happens for a reason."

I just couldn't let that one go, especially since I'd been forced to duck a certain pain all day. The man had finally left me alone when he was called to deal with some sort of massive power fluctuation.

"Oh, good. So maybe you can tell me the reason for an egotistical, annoying, insulting scientist who won't leave me alone?"

Apparently, I didn't even have to tell her who I meant, since a sparkle came into her eyes. "I fear only the Ancestors my answer that one, my friend."

_Darn!_


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: This takes place just before Critical Mass in Season 2, so from now on, it could contain spoilers for any episodes up to that point!

Thanks SO MUCH to the people who already reviewed this. I wasn't sure if I dared post since its my first Atlantis fic!

Chapter 4: Raising Atlantis

Both Dr. Weir and Dr. Beckett agreed to a meeting right away the next morning, but I arrived to find the Control Room in a state of chaos. Commands were being shouted, and scientists were scurrying everywhere, obviously not happy. One, a short, dumpy looking man with glasses, ran right into me, then apologized in some language I couldn't identify. At least, I _hope_ it was an apology and not the man telling me what an utter idiot I was. Above it all came the lovely tones of Doctor Rodney McKay, bellowing at someone other than me for once. Not willing to deal with him so early, I quickly skirted the room and made good my escape into Weir's glass walled office. Both of them were already waiting for me, fortunately, because I stayed patiently in the chair for about one minute before anxiously starting to pace around. In spite of my optimism after leaving Teyla, I hadn't slept at all that night, again. I had lost count of how many nights that made.

"What did you want to see us about, John?" Weir prompted me quietly.

Unfortunately, that was all it took. Days of pure misery and anger came boiling up, unstoppable.

"I've had it with this damn_ guessing game_! I'm not part of anything, no one will talk to me except that _insane _Canadian, and it isn't _helping_ anything! At least at McMurdo everyone avoided me because of hate, but I could still fly! I knew who I was and what the _hell _ I was doing! Here, I- They- I don't know!"

My outburst fizzled out, spent, and I slumped into the seat, certain I'd just destroyed any chance I had at them agreeing to my way of doing things. My temper had once again made a hash out of what should have been a civilized, adult conversation.

_Way to go, John! Now they'll find you the nearest rubber room!_

"Look, I'm sorry about that, its just...I need to know what's going on! With or without my memory, I'm supposed to be in charge of protecting this city, and I can't do that." My headache spiked, the pushing sensation returning with a vengeance, and I dropped my head into my hands, unable to continue. Desperately, I tried to hide the pain, not wanting to find myself in a hospital bed once again. Mumbling, I thought of one last argument to try. "Besides, doc, you said I was supposed to avoid stress and this is just adding to it. She won't leave me alone. I can't sleep, can't eat..."

_Whoops! Didn't mean to add that last part!_

I peeked at the other two just in time to see alarm flash across both faces. Now I'd done it.

"Carson?" Weir immediately turned to the doctor and I had to force myself not to snap. It was my own fault. If one of _my _subordinates started acting like that, I 'd find the nearest doctor, too. With a weary sigh, I carefully sat up, allowing Beckett to go over me, not even objecting to the penlight. That just seemed to heighten their concern.

"How are the headaches, Colonel? And not the blarney you've been feedin' my staff, either."

Caught red-handed on that one! I'd been studiously avoiding the doctor at my check-ins with the medical staff, unwilling to admit to the headaches, and unable to explain the constant pressure that was fueling them.

"They're not good."

_Let him make what he wants out of that, I'm too tired to care anymore. I just want something to make **sense** again!_

Weir chose that moment to let me know that she'd heard the one thing that I'd fervently hoped she hadn't. "You said 'she' won't leave you alone. Who's 'she', John? Atlantis?"

Double damn. She understood what I'd meant, too. With a start, I realized she had spoken from right beside me, where she was kneeling. One of her hands was giving mine a reassuring squeeze. When had that happened? I'm not usually so out of touch with my surroundings. Not since Afghanistan.

"I'm not really sure. I just keep feeling...pressure. Like I'm not doing what someone wants, so they keep pestering. Then, once in a while, everything will just go crazy around me. The lights, the doors, the water in my bathroom... I don't know. Then my headache will spike."

_There. They wanted to know the truth, so they got it. Their precious city is acting like a spoiled child, denied what it wants. I just wish she hadn't picked me to bear the brunt of it. Brat._

"What the bloody _hell_!" Very unhappy Carson.

"Rodney! Come to my office for a moment, please!"

_Oh, goody! Just what I need to add to this __**wonderful** day!_

"What! Oh, hi, Carson. Colonel. You look like something not even my cat would touch. What'd you do this time?" McKay regarded me for a moment with narrowed eyes.

_What I wouldn't give for a nine millimeter right now! I actually put this guy on my team? I must have been brain dead._

Doc must have had a good idea of what I was thinking, because he put a restraining hand on my shoulder, keeping me firmly seated. My gaze became fixed on the floor again as another dizzy spell hit.

_This just keeps getting better and better..._

"Rodney, the malfunctions we've been experiencing-"

"Yes, yes! I can only do twenty things at one time, Elizabeth! So long as its just doors and such, it'll have to wait. I think the fluctuations that started in the ZedPM last night, which could potentially _blow us up_, should have the priority, don't you!"

"Rodney!" That was a sharp, clear command that cut off even the apparently bottomless mouth of McKay. "Is it possible that the malfunctions are occurring because the city is reacting to John?"

If looks could kill, I'd have been flayed. I'd just broken his favorite toy.

"The city doesn't know how to react to you! This is your fault! Where were you at about ten o'clock last night? Ah, 2200 hours to you?"

I was met with an intense blue gaze, his face screwed up as if he'd just sucked on a lemon. At least my current memory was working just fine.

"In the mess hall, talking to Teyla. Why?"

"Because that's where the minor malfunctions and haywire readings were at the time. It's your damned brain block!"

"Well, excuse the hell outta me! I didn't ask for this _stupid_ city- AHHH!" I found myself sinking to the floor, head trying to decide if it wanted to implode or imitate a tilt-a-whirl first. I never found out which it would be since my body chose that moment to take pity on me and I lost consciousness.

For a long time, I floated, surrounded by a velvety soft, warm darkness. From far away, voices drifted in, occasional snatches of conversation reminding of the world outside this one. And a face...though I couldn't quite force the features to become clear.

"...malfunctions are more widespread..."

"Carson?"

"...needs rest. I should have..."

"...with Sheppard..."

"Rodney!"

That last, exasperated exclamation in that already too familiar Scottish brogue brought me back around. I was once again in the infirmary, but no big hairy surprise there. What was a surprise was the crazy dance that the lights seemed to be doing. Place almost looked like one of those clubs where the illumination is tied in with the music, going on and off to the beat.

_My, my. My very own light show. Enough, as they say, is enough!_

Vaguely, some part of me heard Carson arguing with McKay nearby, something about expecting miracles and haggis, but I was too focused on the misbehaving city to really pay attention. In my experience, a child throwing a temper tantrum received a time out, or even a gentle swat on the rear, and it was time that Atlantis learned that. Somehow. Feeling like an idiot, but certain on some level that there was actually something there to hear me, I addressed the ceiling.

"That's _enough_! Leave the lights and everything else _alone_. Yes, I'm missing a chunk of my life, and for some reason, you don't like it. No, I don't know what the hell it is you seem to want from me. Deal with it and quit making everyone's life miserable! You're hurting, not helping, so _knock it off_ or I _will _find a way to spank you!"

"Did you just threaten to warm the backside of a _city_!"

Dr. Weir's amused voice brought my focus back to my current location just as I felt a wave of...astonishment? Chagrin? It was hard to tell, it was so fleeting, but the lights stopped their antics and settled to a suitable level for my still pounding head. McKay, Beckett, Weir, Teyla, and Ronon were all clustered around my bed.

"It worked, didn't it?" I grumbled, sitting up as Beckett brought the head of the bed up to help support me.

McKay's eyes narrowed at that, but instead of launching a nasty comment at me, he began frantically typing at a laptop perched on my bedside table.

"How are you feelin', Colonel?"

"Better. Hungry." I glanced at the doc, a little surprised to find that my appetite had indeed made a return appearance. "Can I get some food, doc?"

"Aye. I already sent someone." Beckett grinned for a moment, then let it slip, a flash of guilt taking its place. "You were worn down physically from the stress of dealin' with the amnesia. I'm sorry, son, I shoulda caught it sooner, changed our approach. I know you well enough ta know how ya _love_ things ya can't control." He shot me a knowing look while Weir smiled and Ronon grunted. "Yer a strong, independent man, Colonel, an' sometimes I forget ya need more help then yer askin' for. Unlike _some_, who won't leave me alone."

The last sentence was accompanied by a sour glance at the oblivious McKay, though I really wasn't sure why. I was too busy puzzling out the backwards rebuke I'd just been quietly handed to ask about it.

_Did he just call me stubborn and stupid? Wonder what I did to deserve **that**._

"How long have I been asleep?"

Weir took that one, a reassuring hand once more on my arm. "About twenty-six hours. You looked like you needed it."

_Great. At this rate, I'll sleep my life away. Not to mention the very reassuring sight of the commanding officer being taken out of the expedition leader's office on a gurney!_

"So how long am I stuck here this time? No offense, doc..."

That got genuine smiles out of all of them. "None taken, Colonel. I'm always happy ta see the backside o' _you_, too. It's about ten in the mornin' now, so if everything still looks good, you'll be free tonight."

_Lovely. More hours of counting lights, beeps, or anything else mindless. I haven't worked out an equation for the number of ceiling tiles in the entire city yet._

"Doc..."

"Before you get Carson _really_ annoyed, I brought some reading for you." Weir interrupted me before I could reach true whine tone. "Mission reports to give you a better understanding of what's been going on around here. You made some good points earlier, even if they _were_ a bit loud. I'm sorry that we didn't talk with you sooner about your own treatment."

_Hallelujah!_

"I...Thank you, Dr. Weir." Wow. Wasn't expecting that one.

"Please, its 'Elizabeth.' I'm your friend, too, even if my bedside manner needs some work."

"What?"

I stared at her for a long moment, utterly confused. Flushing, she beat a hasty retreat after another pat on my arm. Unfortunately, the computer that she had indicated my reading was on was currently being hogged by a still-muttering scientist.

"Excuse me, I believe that's _mine._"

Without looking up, or even pausing in his typing, McKay grumbled at me, "I need it, this is important. You've screwed up the city and now I'm stuck trying to fix it. Go away."

_Go away! Okay, this ass has gone a bit too far._

"You really are an insensitive jerk, ya know that? I can't help it if my amnesia, _which no one will even tell me how I got,_ has upset your sentient city!"

Well, that got a bit more of a reaction, though being stared at as if I were the dumbest person on Earth...er, Atlantis, was not what I was looking for. Reminded me way too much of the MENSA snobs I used to encounter at school. They had made me positive that I never wanted to be one of them, even if I _had_ passed their silly test with flying colors. Not that I ever told them any of that.

"For one thing, Atlantis _isn't_ sentient. The computer controlling the city simply reacts to the thoughts of those with the ATA gene. The stronger the gene, the more the city can connect with even subconscious thoughts. Second of all-" The man had condescending down to an art form.

"McKay!"

"Doctor McKay, I really believe we should let Colonel Sheppard rest."

"That's enough, Rodney! Yer leavin'!"

My head as voices overlapped, drowning out McKay's increasing shrill tones. I didn't care, as long as they removed _him _and _left_ the laptop. Which was what Ronon proceeded to do- physically. With a smile of appreciation at Teyla as she, too, left, I settled back to await my meal.

_Not really sentient, huh? I wouldn't be too sure about that. For all your vaunted intelligence, I think you're being blind as a bat on this one, McKay._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: A Time to Heal

The next morning, dressed in what passed as uniform on Atlantis, I actually managed to find my office. Some kind soul had been there ahead of me, too. There was a current status report pulled up on my computer, a stack of mission reports on my desk, and even a fresh, very fragrant, cup of coffee waiting. All in all, I hoped it was a sign that life had finally begun to look up for me.

_Yeah, right. So much for wishful thinking._

By early evening, everyone was once again steering clear, even Teyla, Ronon, and, thankfully, McKay. The lights in my area were going on and off without warning, the computer pulled up programs unprompted, and my door had a mind of its own. At least, I _hoped _Ronon knew the door was malfunctioning when it closed on his leg...

Not even yelling at the city had done any good this time. Oh well. The problem wasn't really Atlantis, anyway. She seemed to just be mirroring back my own confusion, frustration and anger. I was in over my head, and I knew it. The reports told me a lot, but I really needed Cliff Notes for the things. For instance, the current report by SGA-2. It explained that the planet P786-Q3 should be pulled from our dialing computer due to a thick inhabitation of Iratus bugs. What the heck were those? And why did the temperature in my office drop the moment I read the report?

"John?" A soft query made me jerk my head up in startlement. Dr. Weir was standing just inside my door, two steaming cups of coffee in her hands. "Teyla said you've been holed up in here for almost ten hours straight. Care to poke your nose up and take a break with me? I know an excellent spot to watch the sun set."

I couldn't help but smile at that. This woman truly amazed me. Here she was, a civilian, previously known for lobbying against the military, willingly commanding military and civilians alike under seige conditions far, far from home. The more I had read of the situations she led us through in the last two years, the more my respect grew.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Thank you, Dr. We-" At the amused flash in her brown eyes, I hastily amended that. "Elizabeth. I have to warn you, though, my mood hasn't been good."

"So I've heard. Some have started comparing you to Rodney. I'm willing to run the risk, though. Come on."

That was all the prompting that I needed, following her out and through the maze of corridors. Some, at least, were finally becoming familiar, and I realized just where she was headed. Why was she taking me to the Control Room? As we went through the still busy area, everyone acted as if they didn't even see us, even when I heard a tech tell his companion to check with Dr. Weir about something.

_Curiouser and curiouser. Come into my web, said the spider to the fly._

Making our way to one side of the room, a door opened to reveal a balcony with a breath-taking view. Just before us, the alien sun was dipping into the sea, painting the sky brilliant pinks and oranges. Below, the waves crashed into the piers of the city, sounding faint to our ears on our high perch. _Incredible._

"One of our people used to call this the 'Burden Balcony', after he noticed that you and I had a tendency to seek refuge out here. We made an agreement long ago that this was the one place in the city that we never had to be Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard, expedition leader and military commander. We would share what we felt we needed to with each other, without fear that it would ever go beyond this balcony. So...this is Elizabeth asking. How are you _really_ doing? I'd be scared out of my mind..."

She was watching me, lips set in a thin line, eyes full of compassion and worry. It stopped the flippant reply I was going to give to deflect her cold. This woman knew. She had faced the doubts, the tough calls, the triumph of the win, and the dread, the guilt of things gone horribly wrong. Elizabeth, better than anyone else here, would understand what I was facing. She deserved an honest answer.

"Physically, I'm okay. I slept like a rock last night, and my appetite is definitely back. The headaches come and go..." Meeting her gaze, I gave an embarrassed half-smile, well aware that I was often my own body's own worst enemy. Beckett had been rather pointed several times with me yesterday about the causes of my recent collapse. "The rest...I honestly don't know, Elizabeth. I saw flashes of people, places, as I read the reports, but the memories are just out of reach. I can feel them, hovering, like...like when you can't quite remember a name or a date." My trademark lopsided grin came back, not wanting to leave this on a serious note any longer. Humor had long been one of my best coping skills. "McKay and Ronon have both offered to try hitting me over the head with something, see if it helps. Personally, I think they were a little _too _eager."

Elizabeth laughed, eyes lighting up. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard.

"Well, you _did_ throw Rodney off a balcony once, so I suppose turnabout is fair play."

"I did! Darn. That's one memory I'd really like to get back!"

An eyebrow went up at that. "You shot him in the leg, too. Testing an Ancient shield device."

"Ooooo...This just keeps getting better and better!"

"John..." Gentle, chiding. "How are you coming with the reports?"

She wasn't going to let me deflect her. Crap. I dropped my head, one hand gripping the railing, hard.

"There's too much I don't know. I'm starting to think all I'll do is make things worse."

_Now, why is that sentence echoing in my head? Something..._

A flash of pain through my head left me gasping, followed by...a memory? If it was, I was looking at myself from above. The other me, below, had just said almost the exact same words to Dr. Weir, who was standing in front of me, wearing a nice pant-suit. A young marine lieutenant I didn't recognize was standing with us. A large crowd mingled nearby, some obviously not expedition members. Then it was gone.

I found myself holding the railing in a death grip, thankfully facing away from Elizabeth. My coffee cup was gone. Elizabeth was still talking softly, obviously not aware of my brief lapse, thank goodness.

_What the hell was that!_

Abruptly, I tuned back into what she was saying. "...so I'll tell you exactly what you've said to me. We've found ourselves in the middle of a war, and we're going to lose people. All we can do is make the best decisions possible, then go on."

"And if its my ignorance that gets someone killed?"

A wince and a quick darting away of her eyes were the only reactions I received for several long moments. I had just admitted the core problem in all this, and we both knew it.

"John...you don't have to do it all at once, especially if you're not comfortable with it. You're not alone here. Major Lorne is an excellent second, you've said so yourself. How about this...you keep going over reports and work with Lorne on some of the basic duties. I'm here if you have any questions about anything or you need a sounding board. When you're sure you're ready, you take on more, not before. That's an order."

"Wow. You're one hell of a negotiator, ya know that? Didn't think you were allowed to be so blunt." Lame, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

_Got a smile, though, and...Whoops! That gleam in her eye definitely means trouble! I can recognize that one even with amnesia!_

"You try dealing with thick-headed politicians and military leaders all day! Sometimes you had to use a sledge hammer to get through. The key is knowing when to use it."

"Does that apply to thick-headed colonels, too?" I called out as she turned to leave.

"Of course. Especially those named Sheppard or O'Neill."

Abruptly, she sobered and came back over to me.

"You're an incredible man, John, whether you remember it or not. None of us would be alive today if you hadn't been here. Just give yourself time, and know that everyone here supports you, no matter what happens."

_Okay, this woman reads me **way** too easily._

"I'm good, Elizabeth. Really. Thanks."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Canadian Troubles

The next few days seemed to go a lot smoother. Elizabeth's talk with me, confronting my fears, seemed to have poked a hole, letting most of the steam out of my temper. That, in turn, eased some of the tension that had been fueling my headaches. It also appeared to cut back on the amount and severity of the malfunctions, easing everyone else's headaches. All around, a much better situation. It helped that I unconsciously found myself seeking out a certain balcony when things became too much. Within ten minutes, Elizabeth always quietly joined me, coffee cups in hand.

Today, though, when _she_ was the one needing the shoulder and the sounding board, I finally realized something. I had fallen into an old, well-established routine, and with more than one person. The first was Elizabeth, and it hadn't been at all easy for me, but after that, things just seemed to fall in line. Instead of trying to force myself back in relationships I couldn't remember, I found myself rebuilding them through activities that I once again shared with the person.

The morning after the balcony encounter had seen the second routine slip into place, though it definitely hadn't been my idea. I had awoken to a heavy, insistent pounding on my door. Forcing myself out of bed, I had muttered dire threats against the life of whoever had dared disturb me, only to open the door and find- Ronon.

"Sheppard. Get dressed. Beckett says you can't run, so we're going for a long walk. Now."

It was a flat statement, bordering on an order, but I wasn't inclined to argue. I had been reluctantly holding back on the walks that my restless nature wanted, for fear of getting myself lost again. _Nothing_ could compel me to face _that _humiliating situation again.

Ronon turned out to be a very quiet companion for much of the time, but it was the silence of comrades in arms, comfortable with each other, knowing they had nothing to prove. It was punctuated by short, frank conversations on a wide range of topics. It was relaxing, being with someone who just accepted me, amnesia or no. I also was able to get a native's view of the Wraith threat.

_Not good. The phrase 'out of the frying pan and into the raging fire' comes to mind._

To my bewilderment, Ronon had not led me back to my quarters after we were done, instead coming to an area that had been set up as a gym. There, we found Teyla waiting for us. Or, more precisely, _me_. Apparently, we had been training together for most of the last two years. I was teaching her about Earth culture and she was training me in the Athosian stick fighting. Just because I no longer actively remembered the sessions, she insisted, was no reason to believe they weren't still there. Dr. Beckett had told her that muscles often retained familiar activity patterns even when the brain didn't.

_Too bad mine are perfectly willing to have amnesia!_

The short sticks had felt strange in my hands, the moves awkward, and my whole body sluggish. I was embarrassed, frustrated... If anyone other then Teyla had been teaching me, it would have been a recipe for disaster. Instead, she serenely brushed off my outbursts, simply waiting until I was done yelling, then continued. Along with the physical moves, she began telling stories- of her people, our meeting, worlds we had visited, trouble we got into, anything and everything.

Finally, today, it had paid off. Tired, focused on a few flashes of memory from that weird out-of-body point of view evoked by Teyla's latest tale, I didn't see the blow coming- but instinctively blocked it anyway, in a move I _knew_ she hadn't retaught me. In seconds, I had her on the ground, stick at her throat in the kill position. I don't know who was more surprised- her or me! For one split second, everything just felt _right_. Then Teyla began beating the crap outta me, and I realized just how basic the moves she had been reteaching me were. Now, she didn't hold back, and I had quite a collection of bruises to show where my old skills were still lacking. Hence, I was now headed for the infirmary to beg, borrow, or steal some Tylenol from Carson.

_For the first time, I think I really have a shot at getting some of the missing pieces back!_

I was getting back into shape with Teyla and Ronon. A solid friendship was coming back between Elizabeth and I. I had read enough that the reports were actually beginning to make sense! Even the headaches were finally almost gone, though I wasn't about to admit to Carson that I still had them. Things were _definitely _looking up!

Until I turned the corner. I should have remembered one of my favorite sayings: 'Plans seldom survive the first engagement with the enemy.'

I had just enough time to glimpse the shocked face of one Rodney McKay, resident genius, before we collided, both winding up on our butts on the floor.

_Oh, goody, more bruises to add to my collection._

"Damn it, McKay! Watch where the hell you're going!"

"_Me! _**ME!**" I winced as his voice not grew louder, but actually went up an octave.

_Had I accidentally hit him somewhere rather sensitive?_

"Watch yourself, Colonel Klutz! You almost damaged a very valuable Ancient artifact! Not to mention the effects on my very sensitive back! You could have crippled me! You could have-"

At that point, I tuned him out. It was going to be all I could do to hold my temper until he wound down without actually _listening_ to him as well. This race would be a close one.

_What **was** I drinking when I put this man on my off-world team? Self-punishment?_

A hand appeared in front of me and I looked up as the other person pulled me to my feet. I met the amused and slightly aggrieved eyes of my second-in-command, Major Marcus Lorne, who made no move to also aid the irate scientist still sprawled on the floor. Rolling my eyes, I decided I'd finally had enough of this arrogant ass. He seemed to go out of his way to annoy me, and this time I wouldn't be silent.

_Look out, McKay, no Mr. Tolerant **this** time!_

Slowly surveying the ranting man, I crossed my arms and let fly. "For a genius, you look pretty damn _stupid_ sitting there with a bucket on your foot."

Oh my! What a reaction! He stopped mid-rant, staring at me in shock for several seconds before a glint came into his eye. It looked suspiciously like pleased amusement! What had I just done? His reply was sarcastic and condescending at the same time. Neat trick.

"It's not a _bucket_, it's a device the Ancients were testing! Of course, only someone with _my _intellect would know that!"

Now, that one was _too_ easy. "You mean the average five-year-old?"

The gleam of battle shown from blue eyes, but a choked snort from my right stopped his reply, reminding us both that we had an audience. Lorne was trying desperately to stifle a laugh, his face beginning to tint fairly red. McKay _glared_.

"So _glad _you find this _amusing_! This is all your fault anyway, Major Disaster!"

"McKay!" I growled, mercifully halting the rant we could both see building cold. "What happened?"

Reaching down, I helped the man to his feet...well, _foot_. His right leg ended in what _did_ look an awful lot like a bucket made from that opaque crystal the Ancients seemed to like. I had absolutely no desire to know what the thing actually was. The scientist simply glared at me, though, so I raised an eyebrow at the major.

"Well?"

Lorne immediately winced.

_This outta be good._

"I was doing advanced security training with some of the newbies the Daedalus brought in two weeks ago, including sweeping a lab. No one was _supposed _ to be there, but _someone_ forgot about the e-mail notice I sent out. Dr. McKay suddenly popped up from behind a table, yelling at Lieutenant Rand. She jumped and fell into me, and _I_ knocked into McKay... He stepped back into _that_ thing. His foot's stuck."

Scientist glared at Major. Major glared at Scientist.

_Yep, these two get along just **dandy**._

I knew from reports that McKay occasionally went off-world with Lorne's team. How had the astrophysicist managed to keep coming back in _one _piece?

"And so concludes the report of Major Interference, who, _of course_, picked the lab of the busiest and most important scientist in Atlantis to disrupt! And _why_! To train the baby commandos!"

McKay's voice was once again rising in volume, hands gesturing so forcefully they threatened to topple the man. Lorne, meanwhile, seemed to be losing whatever control over his temper he still had left. His face was turning a _lovely_ shade of red.

"That's not your normal lab, _Doctor_." Oooh, he was _excellent_ at making a title into an implied insult. Maybe there was hope for the man yet. "_And _I received clearance for the exercise beforehand, including from _you_! It's not my fault if you forgot!" Lorne had actually managed to keep tone relatively civil, if scornful.

Abruptly, I realized something. During the entire fight with Lorne, McKay had actually been watching me out of the corner of his eyes! He appeared to be waiting for something...and I finally knew what it was. Snatches of conversations from times past rang in my ears. The two of us exchanging good natured insults, snarking, _bantering_! I couldn't recall whole pieces, just parts, but it didn't really matter at the moment. All those days of argument, him seeking me out just to insult me...it all made sense. Sort of. If trading barbs was natural...

_Let's just test this, shall we._

"Sounds to me like you put your foot in it, McKay. It's not the major's fault the shoe didn't fit."

Lorne winced at my bad puns, looking distinctly pained. McKay, though... The man was actually smiling!

He shot back, too. "Well, if _certain_ military types didn't take after their CO and have two left feet-!"

Satisfied, I rocked back on my heels, grinning. "He was just helping the newbies put their best foot forward."

"Keeping them on their toes, so to speak." Lorne smiled smugly, managing to insert one that had Rodney's eyes rolling. "Come on, doctor, let's get you to the infirmary. See if Dr. Beckett has any suggestions on getting that thing off."

I couldn't have asked for a better opening. "I'll take him, Major. I don't have anything better to do at the moment."

Good. Now I had an excuse for being there without putting signs above my head saying 'I got the crap out of me and need drugs.' Lorne met my eye with a grateful nod, and I took over herding the one-foot-wonder to the infirmary, merrily trading insults all the way.

An hour later, I was leaning against an unoccupied infirmary bed, watching the Canadian stock out with his toy, still griping. It had actually been rather entertaining, trading remarks with Rodney while giving Carson _helpful_ suggestions on how to get the thing off. Trading a grin with a chuckling Carson, I shrugged.

"I don't know what his problem was. I thought amputation was a perfectly valid suggestion."

My dry statement set us both off laughing again, though at least part of it was sheer relief. We had actually been getting a little desperate, with Gloom and Doom McKay in full panic mode, when I had simply laid my hand on the stupid thing. It lit up and came off. Rodney had _not _been amused.

"Aye, well, _that_ was good to see." Carson's comment brought my attention off the now closed door.

"What was?"

"You laughin'. Its been a while, Colonel. Not ta mention you an' Rodney goin' back and forth like normal instead o' screamin'. What brought that on?"

I resisted the urge to reach up and rub my once again aching head. My body was reminding me of why I had been heading here in the first place.

"I don't really know, doc. It just suddenly felt right. So that really is normal for us?"

"Oh, aye. Ya'd think the two o' you hated each other instead 'o goin' through hell on a regular basis because the other one needed ya. Quite a remarkable friendship you two have, actually. Now, son, what did ya really need?"

At my stunned look, he laughed again, lightly. "Donna be lookin' so surprised. Yer memory has a few holes, but yer still our Colonel Sheppard! What's hurtin'?"

"Everything. Some of my training came back, but not enough to avoid Teyla's stick consistently." Behind my back, my fingers were crossed, hoping he wouldn't push. My headaches were manageable, and the last thing that I wanted was to be stuck in the infirmary for more tests. Atlantis and I would work it out. Eventually.

Carson's eyes narrowed, so I put on my best 'innocent' face. He checked me over, grunted, and went over to a cabinet, pulling out a small bottle of Tylenol, then hesitated.

"Ya didn't get hit in the head at all, did ya? Even without losing consciousness?"

At least I was able to answer that one honestly. "No, not at all."

"All right. Follow the label, but I hear about it immediately if they don't help or things get worse." He fixed me with a stern glare. "Includin' that headache yer pretendin' ya don't have. Again. That's an order, Colonel."

_Ouch! This guy keeps catchin' me red-handed!_

"I will. Thanks, Carson."

My curiosity about a certain Canadian aroused, I swallowed the pills and headed back to my office for some careful re-reading of mission reports. Taking anyone or anything in Atlantis at face value seemed to be a big mistake. One I really didn't want to make twice.

What I found wasn't that much of a surprise, and I cursed myself for overlooking it before. McKay was a whining, annoying, know-it-all pain in the ass, but when it truly counted, the man came through. Bravery, lack of regard for his own safety, creativity, intelligence, a stubbornness that didn't know when to quit- it was all there. Amazing.

_Now, if he'd just learn when to shut up and how to shoot without losing the clip out of his gun..._

Gut clenching, I lost myself in another memory...

_Several marines were down around a shaking McKay, a Wraith warrior steadily advancing on him. Rodney was screaming at the alien, apparently attempting to intimidate the thing. Not happening. Nearby, there was a box...and what I needed was in there. I could feel the power. Then Rodney tried to fire the gun almost point blank at the Wraith, but ejected the clip instead. We were doomed._

A crash and the impact of my body on the floor jarred me back to myself, head pounding and hands shaking. _I knew._ These _couldn't _be my memories! I had just read the reports on the only two times I knew of that we had Wraith in the city, and I _wasn't_ with Rodney when he had the ZPM during the siege.

_"SHIT!"_ Reaching out, I slammed my fist against my tipped over chair, not caring how much it hurt. Someone, something, was somehow playing with me. Scrambling up, I left, walking rapidly, aimlessly through the corridors, brushing past colleagues without acknowledgment.

_I need to be alone._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: That Which Was Lost

I didn't want to think, didn't want to face what I was certain had just happened. So I ran. So what if I got lost, I already _was_ lost.

_Why! I really believed I was getting better, had a chance! My life was coming back, not a **lie**! What kind of game was this! I was so sure...so sure I'd finally found a place to belong. A place that I could be me! Not the pilot, not the math genius, not the son that wasn't good enough, not the screw-up...ME._

Eventually, head throbbing and lungs heaving, I made my way out to the balcony that had been my refuge so often lately. Sightlessly, I leaned on the railing, lost in dark thoughts. Two sets of footsteps soon followed me out, bringing me back around toward the door, ready to yell. Teyla and Ronon. Sighing, I resumed my position, letting them come. What did it matter?

"Colonel?" Teyla gave my elbow a featherlight touch. "John? Are you all right?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure I know what all right _is _anymore."

"What do you mean? I had thought that your memories were slowly returning."

My gut twisted, but I didn't answer her. I couldn't. "Teyla, how did I get injured in the first place? Is there...Did anything have a chance to infect me, alter me somehow?"

"I...do not believe so." She shrank back from the intensity of my stare, exchanging worried glances with Ronon.

"Sheppard, what's going on?" Ronon glowered, obviously not liking the way I was acting.

"How was I hurt!" I grated that out through clenched teeth.

"I believe we should contact Dr. Beckett. You appear to be ill." Teyla was once again dodging the question.

_Why couldn't anyone just give me a straight answer!_

"No! Look, just...I need some time. I'm good, both of you."

I could see the hurt in her eyes behind the worry and fear. She'd go right to Elizabeth and Carson anyway. Whatever. Turning my back on them, I waited, hearing the telltale steps leaving after several minutes. Slowly, I counted to two hundred, and the door softly whooshed open again. The scent of coffee told me who it was.

"John? Is this a private party or may I join you?"

"Sure, why not? I just bit Teyla and Ronon's heads off, what's one more?" Bitter, angry, frustrated. Yeah, I was a real joy to be with tonight.

"You want to tell me what happened? Carson thought you were doing great when I talked to him a while ago. Said you were re-establishing relationships, even with Rodney." Quietly, she moved to lean on the railing next to me, handing me one of the cups she was holding.

"I'm not, not really. I don't think the memories are mine, Elizabeth. Someone-"

"Colonel! Doctor!" Lorne's breathless call brought us both back around. "Dr. McKay took a small team to do search, salvage, and repair on one of the lower levels of the city. He and Lieutenant Cadman have disappeared!"

"Can't McKay ever stay out of trouble? We're on base here, for cryin' out loud!"

I couldn't believe it. If the scientist really wanted to demonstrate the uncanny magnetism I'd heard he had for trouble, he'd picked a lousy time to do it. Abruptly, the door behind Lorne began opening and closing on its own, making the man jump.

"I thought Control said the malfunctions had finally stopped!" The major glared briefly at the offending portal.

"Not wherever Colonel Sheppard's at, no." Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at me when I winced. Yet another problem I really didn't feel like dealing with at the moment. The door was actually the first thing that had misbehaved around me today. "What about the others with McKay and Cadman? I can't imagine those two went alone."

"No, Ma'am. Corporals Campbell and Poretsky were with them, as well as Dr. Zelenka. They said the group separated and the lieutenant volunteered to take McKay-watch. Other then the rest of the colonel's team, she handles him the best. Maybe because she can still get inside his head."

There was an air of innocence about that last statement that clearly told me there was quite a story that went with it. Mentally, I made a note to ask about it later. As we spoke, the lot of us moved back inside to the city map that someone had helpfully put up on the main screen. My favorite Scot was already waiting there, a medical bag at his feet, looking rather annoyed.

"Only Rodney can get inta trouble this fast! He only left the infirmary a few hours ago!"

_Very exasperated doctor!_

At his words, however, Weir became even more alarmed. "The infirmary? What-?"

"Nothin' serious, or even medical, really. He got some Ancient doohickey he was testin' stuck on his foot. Colonel Sheppard and I got it off an' Rodney left ta meet his team." Carson was quick to reassure her, though I noted her raised eyebrow at the use of 'doohickey'.

_I wonder if that's a technical term?_

I decided to be good, however, and not ask that aloud. Unfortunately, I was going to owe Rodney a thank you when we found him. His shenanigans had provided me with a wonderful distraction from my own problems, especially because I couldn't do a damn thing about them at the moment. Instead, I savored the thought of being able to give McKay grief for taking a wrong turn somewhere.

"Dr. Weir, Colonel, Major." The young technician seated nearby greeted us soberly. "There seems to be some radical power fluctuations in the sector of the city Dr. McKay's team is in. I can't establish any reliable life sign readings for any of them. Not even Dr. Zelenka and the two corporals. I also just lost coms."

Every instinct I had began to scream at me. This was something worse then a wrong turn in the dark! "We'll have to send search teams down. Major-" Before I could turn to my second, however, I suddenly found myself on my knees. _Pain, panic, fear, anxiety, anger. _The emotions washed through me, an unstoppable flood, and I could think of only one possible source- _Atlantis_. The lights abruptly dancing in the room only confirmed it. Something was wrong.

_Very, very wrong._

I needed to find McKay, _now._ Another wave of fear and panic came, tinged with relief at the end, like a small child who had suddenly been reassured by the capable appearance of an adult. Then the outside presence was gone, leaving me feeling almost empty inside. Taking a deep breath and gathering myself, I forced my shaky body to stand, gratefully accepting the aid of Carson and Elizabeth. Neither one looked pleased, but that would have to wait. I wouldn't, _couldn't _leave my friend in trouble. Holding up a hand to forestall the inevitable protests, I returned my attention to my still waiting officer.

"Major, have Teyla and Ronon paged to meet me here in ten minutes. Full gear." Glancing over, I received a reluctant nod of permission from Elizabeth. "Then gather any others you can in that time to form more parties. That's a big area, and I don't think we have a lot of time. You can accept non-military, but make it clear they have to gear up as well." I paused, remembering the chaos I had woken to the one time in the infirmary, and its source. "Also, Marcus, make it _crystal clear_ that they are under the command of the military members each team. This is strictly search and rescue."

"Yes sir. Ten minutes." With that, Lorne was gone, and I was left to face the two narrow-eyed doctors.

"If you think yer goin' _anywhere_ except the infirmary, son, yer sadly mistaken. Yer in _no _condition to-"

"I have to Carson. What you just saw was a warning, I'm sure of it. I _felt_ it. I _have _to find McKay!"

Seeing no help in the eyes of the Scot, I turned to the one person who could possibly over-ride the doctor. "Elizabeth...I have to."

She winced at the words, _something_ flashing through her brown eyes, but nodded. "Go, get your gear. But _this_ time I'm coming with you. No arguments, John."

_This time?_

I filed that one away to ask about later, though I had an inkling of what it _might _have been referring to. Grabbing my gear in the ready room, though it took me several precious minutes and some cursing to find my locker, I realized that no one had questioned my orders for the Kevlar vests and weapons. Then, given the reports I'd been reading, that wasn't completely odd. This wasn't exactly your run-of-the-mill base. Apparently, you never knew _what_ you'd find here.

_Like giant energy munching blobs, 10,000 year-old versions of your boss, or deadly nano-viruses. Lots more fun than ice and penguins._

I returned to the Control Room to find not only Elizabeth, Ronon, and Teyla waiting, but Carson as well. A young marine was trying to talk him into wearing the gear I'd ordered, without much success. Elizabeth, at least, was already wearing a vest, though I noted the lack of sidearm.

_One stubborn idiot at a time!_

"Hey, doc! Are you joining us?"

"Aye. They may need medical attention, and I'm none too happy with lettin' _you_ outta my sight, either. You an' Rodney canna ever stay outta trouble, an' we don't know all the secrets o' this place yet."

_No wonder he gets so grumpy around McKay and I. We must give him a lot of repeat business!_

"Great. But you're wearing the gear or staying here." I flatly told him, ignoring the displeased expression he wore.

"I-I don't- We're not leavin' the bloody city!"

"Which you just so accurately pointed out is still full of unknowns, some of which could bite back. This isn't up for debate, doc. Make your choice, because we're leaving." I allowed annoyance and impatience to creep into my tone, gratified to note that Elizabeth was allowing me to handle this one, since it was technically a military issue. My respect for her went up another notch.

"Fine!" Carson snapped, grabbing the gear and his medical pack. He was on my turf now, and he knew it. He wasn't going to win _this_ round.

As he passed me, I momentarily paused him with a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, Carson." I spoke softly, so the others wouldn't overhear, hoping that the man realized it was for more than just agreeing to wear the uncomfortable equipment.

His face softened. "Aye. Just let _me_ take care o' _you_ when I need to. We're both tryin' to protect these people."

As we set out, Lorne leading the way to where he'd left the remnants of McKay's team, I relaxed slightly. There were only two people who could have kept me from doing what I was certain I had to, but it seemed that we all understood each other. I often shattered protocol, it was all over the reports, and occasionally acted less then half my age, but I had always taken my responsibilities very seriously. Now, that meant the safety of this strange city and these people, who had shown me a trust and friendship I hadn't seen since that painful day in Afghanistan. I wouldn't let them down, even if it meant I had to briefly disregard my concerns about my own mental and physical health.

_The doc is right, I've never met anyone who can get into trouble as quickly as McKay. And he'd better be in trouble, or he **will** be the second I find him!_

Quietly, I listened to the tale end of Lorne's explanation of what was going on to a worried Teyla and glowering Ronon, looking around curiously as we walked. I didn't remember ever being in this area before. We were heading pretty deep.

"...so when they were out of all contact for thirty minutes, and everything seemed to be going crazy, the corporals called me. Dr. Zelenka couldn't explain what was happening, and now we've lost coms down there, too. It took about fifteen minutes to walk it earlier, at about the same pace."

"So, Major..." I interjected with a slight smile, though strained. "Why did you walk all the way instead of using the com when you could? I carry my ear piece all the time now that I'm back on partial duty."

I had a sneaking hunch I already knew the answer, which was confirmed when my young second's face began to tinge oh so slightly red. 'Guilty' flashed like a neon sign across his face. I'd just caught him handling me.

"Ah...well, Colonel, that's my fault, sir. When you're out on _that _balcony, I have your com cut off from the system unless you initiate the call, sir."

_A 'colonel' and two 'sirs' in the same breath, not to mention the 'little boy with his hand in the cookie jar' look!_

I wasn't about to let him off _that_ easy, though, especially as it was distracting the rest of our little group from what we might find in a few minutes.

"And you didn't radio someone to go out and get me _because..._?"

Elizabeth stifled a laugh at my wicked drawling of that last word. I couldn't help it, I wanted to see just how good this kid really was at 'CO Care 101'. Call it research for future use.

"I, uh, I threatened to make anyone caught disturbing you out there do a month's worth of training with Ronon. _Personal_ lessons."

Looking sharply at my large team mate, I caught the smirk and flexing of his muscular arms.

"Good choice." I told Lorne dryly.

"Aye, good job, lad. An' tell 'em they'll get no sympathy from the infirmary staff, either."

_Smug Scottish doctors are **definitely** a menace!_

"That's all well and good, but in an emergency-"

Lorne grimaced, holding up a hand to interrupt my comment. "My fault again, Colonel. One of the newbies was on duty in the Control Room and he hasn't learned yet. I should have paired him with someone for a while. He's Russian. Takes things a little _too_ seriously."

I smiled, content. Lorne was a damned good man and I was lucky to have him. I listened with half an ear as he went on to describe what he knew of the area the scientist and lieutenant were lost in. I should have given it my full attention, but something kept nagging at me, like a persistent itch you just can't scratch. A cold foreboding settled in my gut, and this time it didn't vanish after a few minutes.

Whoops! Spinning corridor! Hastily, I shut my eyes, leaning a steadying hand against the wall, and tried to make sense of the wild sendings. Pain spiked through my head, forcing me to fight to stay conscious while not losing my lunch.

"Colonel!"

A hand on my arm and an alarmed Scottish brogue. Now I was in for it.

"The others can find Laura an' Rodney! _You _need ta be in the infirmary!"

Alarm from both Atlantis and myself cut through everything else, and I shrugged off his hands. "No! Atlantis is panicking! I'm going! Now! Split up into small groups and cover the entire area! If you find them, touch as little as possible and get back here, asap. Rendezvous here in one hour otherwise. GO!"

Thankfully, the non-military members decided now was not the time to argue. The search teams scattered. After a few words with Dr. Weir, Teyla and Ronon also left, intercepting Dr. Zelenka as the short Czech hurried toward us. With a sigh of momentary relief, I turned to my two self-appointed babysitters and led the way off toward the section no one had volunteered to take.

According to the map, it was the lowest section on the far end of the southwestern pier. Until recently, it had still been flooded, the aftermath of a massive hurricane, I was told. It didn't take long for us to find ourselves in an area where the power was surging unpredictably. As I walked from room to room, small pieces would light up for a split second, then go black again, seemingly at random. The air was heavy and musky, with the strong scents of mold and decay.

"Holy crap!"

Beckett's loud exclamation and abrupt jerk back brought me around, flashlight on my P-90 illuminating the companions I'd been deliberately ignoring for the last ten minutes. Following Weir's light to where it illuminated the floor in front of the doctor, I realized what must have happened. Laying there, clearly showing a boot mark, was the half-decayed remains of some sort of amphibian. It looked almost like a baby crocodile would, on Earth. Gross, but not really a threat.

"Watch where you're walking, doc."

Intent only on one goal, I turned away, disregarding the angry, worried look I received from Elizabeth.

"McKay! Cadman! Answer me!"

It was taking every ounce of control I had now to keep functioning with the screaming in my head. I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead, stinging as it ran down into my eyes, but was too focused to bother swiping it away. Every scent and sight seemed magnified, sharp and clear as never before. Corridor, clear. Room, clear. Next room, clear. Around the corner, clear...

Then, in the next room, lights blinking on and off chaotically illuminated two forms. There they were. Lieutenant Cadman was standing off to one side, watching McKay, who was-

_"McKay! **NO!**_"

My warning came too late as Rodney's hand came down on the pedestal he was standing at just as a power surge hit, lighting up the whole room for a moment. In my head, Atlantis shrieked, pain driving me to my knees as the room exploded around me.

Silence...Darkness...Nothingness...

A/N Don't worry, to be continued: )


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Is Now Found

The sound of waves and the stinging of the ice cold water were what finally brought me awake again. I stirred, trying to get a feel for my surroundings in the pitch blackness.

_Big mistake!_

I gasped as a thousand aches and pains flared, anything not hurting numb instead. It turned into a guttural moan of pure agony as another wave hit, water like knives plunging into my skin on my front and the solid slamming of my back into debris nearly knocking me out again. This was _so_ not good. I needed to move, now, and I had no idea where to go. Though, actually, I definitely knew one direction not to go in. Slowly, ever so slowly, I raised myself up, feeling more debris fall from my body. Reaching out for something to lever myself up over the pile I had smashed against, I jerked back with a gasp, feeling a rush of scorching hot blood begin running down my arm. Sharp metal. I was shaking, and couldn't seem to stop.

_Move, John! You're either in shock or hypothermia, or both!_

Too bad I had lost my P-90. I could really have used the light right about now. As if my thoughts triggered it, I heard a popping sound in my head...

_I was looking down on myself again, the room as bright as day in what I recognized as some sort of night vision. My body was lying on top of a pile of debris on the far end of the room. Or, what was left of the room. The whole thing was tilted at about a 45 degree angle down, with me on the lowest end. Twisted metal lay everywhere, some still glowing from whatever had exploded. Beyond me was a large hole where the waves were rolling in, unchecked._

_Where were the others? Had they been swept out to sea?_

_No, there they were, at the highest end, just below me and almost out of range of this strange vision. They looked to be relatively intact, too, though Carson was wrapping Elizabeth's lower left leg in gauze. Currently, they were crowded onto a perch that looked to be made from a large console, partially ripped out of the floor. Rodney clutched his laptop to his chest like a security blanket, while Cadman was using the light on her P-90 to survey the room. Looking for me?_

"JOHN!"

The voice rang in my ears, abruptly snapping me back to myself. For long moments, I laid there, trying to allow the stabbing in my brain to stop. No! I couldn't rest, not now! Danger. I knew it was there, though there was no physical signs. Somehow, I was on my feet and scrambling, irrationally consumed by fear of- What?

Some of the lights on the less damaged side of the room chose that moment to snap on, allowing dim shapes, at least, to be seen around me. Unfortunately, the area where I was also had power, and sparks began to rain down around me.

_Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. _

I knew what needed to be done, though.

"McKay! That door near you! Get it open while we still have power!"

_Wait a minute...Did I just shout that?_

Elizabeth was shouting at me, but at the moment I couldn't return the favor. It was taking too much to keep crawling, fighting the pain, the shaky limbs, the numbness... What I wouldn't give for a nice warm infirmary bed right now! I was almost to them, not even remembering how I got there, when I saw Cadman stiffen, then swing her P-90 up into firing position. Oh shit! Elizabeth's voice,still unintelligible, went from encouragement to terror.

I wanted to look back, assess the threat. I wanted to tell them I was coming. I wanted to scream at McKay to get the stupid door open, already. I wanted to order Cadman to shoot whatever was on my ass. But I couldn't. The pain and fog in my brain that controlled me only allowed one goal, one focus. Get to the door and get everyone through.

Then, hands were grabbing my arms, hauling, dragging, and the sharp rattle of Cadman's weapon broke out. Still, I couldn't turn, my gaze fixed on the door and the astrophysicist frantically working on its control panel. A shower of sparks, a triumphant shout from McKay, and it was open.

"Go! Now!" My voice, of its own accord, ordering everyone through.

My body, though, decided that it was incapable of following its own command. Distantly, I heard yelling, felt myself falling, then the impact with the floor, but I no longer cared.

My world was night.

The first thing I heard was heart-broken sobbing.

_What the-?_

Opening my eyes to dim light, I slowly sat up, waiting for the pain to hit. Only it didn't.

_Great. Now what! If I've lost more memory, I'll...hit McKay. Lame, Sheppard, very lame. Okay, where am I?_

Slowly I stood up- and looked around in amazement at a completely empty Control Room. All the computers were there, chairs pushed neatly in, sunlight lighting everything up. Beside one open laptop, there was even a cup of coffee, still steaming, but there wasn't a soul around!

Nothing- except that crying. The sound was soft, child-like, so I wasn't completely surprised to find a tiny ball of misery curled up beneath the main Ancient computer console. Keeping my voice gentle, soft, I knelt down a few feet from the child.

"Hello there. Its okay, I won't hurt you. What's wrong?"

Waiting to see if I would get a response, I let my eyes wander over the shaking little form. A curly light blond head was buried in knees drawn up tightly to her chest. It was definitely a little girl, too. She was dressed in a frilly pink dress, skirt stretched over bony little knees. White tights adorned with tiny pink flowers covered legs that ended in shiny white patent leather dress shoes. She even had a lacy pink bow on a headband in her hair!

_Now, where have I seen her before?_

A muffled voice, half sob, half wail, interrupted my musings. "I-i-i-its a-a-l-l-l-l _my _fau-ult! I'm so-rrr-y!"

Like lightening, she uncurled and dashed to me, little arms clinging, head burying itself into my shoulder, heedless of the bulky vest. Her momentum knocked me backward onto my butt. She couldn't have been more than five or six years old.

_What the hell is going on here? Had this child somehow caused everyone in Atlantis to disappear? I need answers._

Gently, I hugged her for a long minute, trying to sooth her enough that I might get a coherent answer.

"Easy...its okay. I need you to tell me what happened. Where is everyone? Where did you come from?"

She allowed me to push her gently away from me until she was sitting on my legs that I had stretched out in front of me. Her cherubic face was tear streaked and red, but would be adorable if she smiled. It was her eyes that caught and held my attention, though. They were large, round, and had incredible irises the same blue as the ocean surrounding Atlantis. The look they held would have melted the coldest Scrooge. Fear, sadness, confusion, a deep longing, a need for love that immediately set off every protective instinct I had.

"I-i-if I t-t-tell you, y-you'll leave! N-n-nobody h-here but me-e-e! But now I-I-I'm h-hur-rting _you_, too! I-i-i-i..." A terrified whisper, spoken into tiny hands that lay twisting in her lap.

Nobody was here but us? Except the last thing I remembered, I wasn't anywhere near here. I had to smile slightly as I recognized one of my own nervous habits mirrored back to me, though. I wanted to regard her as a possible threat, her words suspicious, but I just couldn't. Instead, I cupped her chin, softly pushing her head back up until her eyes once again met mine.

"Let's start with something simple. My name is John. Can you tell me yours?"

A barely audible mumble.

"What? It's okay, I won't hurt you."

This time, I caught the broken murmur, and felt my heart rise into my throat.

"At-t-tlan-tis..."

tbc...


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Ready for some answers?

Chapter 9: Cause and Effects

_Atlantis! It wasn't possible! Was it?_

"I-ah..._What_ did you just say?"

A tiny smile flickered across the tear-streaked face and her voice was a little steadier this time. My astonishment reassured her, for some odd reason. "I'm Atlantis. Well, kinda. We're inside a virtual world created by the computer so I can talk to you."

_Atlantis really was a child! This could be bad on so **many** levels._

"H-how!" This time is was me stuttering.

The sweet face screwed up in thought, little head just slightly cocked to one side, the rest of her suddenly still. At that moment, she reminded me so strongly of Rodney that I was forced to bite back a laugh. I just hoped she didn't have the same temper McKay had displayed in Elizabeth's office that day. Then again, considering everything that had happened, maybe she did.

"Can I tell it as a story? That's easiest, 'cause I've heard you do it lots of times." At my mildly amused nod, she continued. "A long time ago..."

Her nose crinkled as she frowned. "It wasn't in a galaxy far, far away, though, it really happened here. Is that okay?"

I had to smile at that. Call me Colonel Softy. "Sure it is."

"Okay. A long time ago, some people kinda like you built this city and a really powerful, smart computer to run it. She was made to work with them, help them, and look after them. But the enemies came, and they left her all alone under the water... She slept until you came. You made her happy again because she could read you, help you, even if she can't make most of the others understand. She was 'specially happy when you started to call the city home." She paused, swiping away a few tears that welled up once again. "But the enemies came back again, and you were going to leave her!"

_Uh oh. I do **not** like where this is going!_

My normal relations with computers- the non-alien talking to you kind- usually involved swearing and mild physical violence. How was I supposed to relate to _this _one?

_So don't think of her as a computer, you idiot. Treat her like what she is, a kid._

As if reading my thoughts, she pinned me with the patented Weir stare. The one that said 'I'm amused, but I'm trying very hard not to be, because you're being a two-year-old, and _someone _has to be the adult around here.' Then the nervous child was back.

"She wasn't angry with you, she knew you were trying to save us from the enemies. But you said you'd never leave people behind, so she made _me._ You're supposed to care about me, and not leave us! But I'm not very good at being a human. I keep hurting you and I don't mean to! Nobody said being a human was so _hard_!" Abruptly, her eyes went hard and angry. "I heard you say you'd leave! That made me really mad!"

Ice cold swept through me in sudden realization.

"You! _You _took my memories!" The chill of shock was quickly replaced by red hot anger. "How _could _you take them! You took away part of _me, _who _I _am!"

She scrambled back from me, terrified, as I surged to my feet, looking for an inanimate object to abuse. One well placed kick sent a trash can flying over the railing, landing below with a resounding clang. The little girl shrieked, hands clamping over her ears.

"_Damn_ you! Do you have _any _idea of the hell you just put me through!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't- _They_ would have done it! I- we need you!" Anger and pain were thrown right back at me, spinning me back around to face-

A terrified, confused, sobbing little kid.

That took the heat right out of my rage. I'd just screamed at a _child_... Forcing myself back into control, I sank once more to the floor. Getting angry was useless, what was done was done. Closing my eyes, I took a deep, calming breath, then held out my hands to the girl. There just wasn't any way I could think of this little one as Atlantis.

"Okay..._Allie_...let's try this again. What, exactly, did you do?"

At my words, she gulped back her sobs, though she wouldn't approach, staring at me like a wary baby animal.

"You-you told that other man you were leaving, and I got scared. I found a way- in the database- to block memories, so when you came back hurt... I did it. I let the mean nurse give the doctor the wrong medicine for you, even though I could have stopped him. I made sure it wasn't enough to do more then make you sick, though. Not like the bad one wanted. It let me slip in and push back your memories, only I pushed too much and couldn't stop."

Now she looked at her shoes, guilty, and I was reminded how mercurial children's moods can be.

_Wait a minute! Did she just imply that someone tried to poison me? Is **that** what everyone's been hiding?_

I couldn't get distracted now, though. I was finally getting answers to my more immediate problems. Things were actually making sense. Weird, slightly insane, unbelievable answers, but at least they were fitting together.

"And the false memories?"

Blond hair flapped as her head shook violently. "Not false, just what the city saw. I couldn't stop pushing back your memories, so I tried to give you the others, to fix it. It didn't work, though. It just made us both hurt, 'an things went _crazy wrong. _I couldn't stop them. Will you tell Ronon I didn't mean to hurt his leg? I like him."

Now I was getting a headache. "The malfunctions everywhere?"

A miserable nod and a mumble.

"What?"

"Except the big ones."

"Oh? Those were on purpose? With the ZPM?" I knew a number of people who wouldn't be pleased to hear _that_, including me. "Why?"

" 'Cause Dr. Smartypants wouldn't leave you alone! He was bein' mean! So I made him have to go away." Allie's chin came up defiantly, a gleam in her eye. _This _was not a child to mess around with.

_Hmmm...To tell McKay or not to tell McKay, that is the question. He'd been played by a **five-year-old!**_

"And you'll stop all this now? You'll remove the block on my memories? Do I have a promise?"

"I promise. I thought it was okay because the ones from before would have done it, but everything I've seen of _your _people say it was wrong."

'The ones from before... The Ancients! Why was I not surprised? I'd noticed from the old reports that for a supposedly highly advanced race, their moral code needed a little work. It seemed like whenever it came down to a choice between their convenience, their ideas, and the possible harming of other beings, they all too often chose themselves.

_How many lives could Chaya save if they allowed her to welcome refugees to her planet? Or not punish her for helping people in the first place? How many people had died because they came across one of those Ancient Repositories and didn't have a naked alien handy to keep their brain from frying? Poor kid, having those people as parents, as role models... Deep breaths, John. There aren't any around for you to maim._

"I've stopped blocking your memories, so they should start coming back now. It just may take a little time. I'm sorry. Will you still be my friend?"

I was no match for that, especially when I found myself in a position I'd never been in before. On the receiving end of the puppy dog eyes and the pouting lip. Ouch. I opened my arms and she happily scrambled in for a tight hug. After a few minutes, though, I leaned back and looked her sternly in the eye.

"Is there a way for you to talk to me after I go...back?"

A bit lip. "Yes...I _think_ I can access your laptop..."

"Okay. I promise to talk to you about whatever made me say I was leaving. Frankly, even without my memories, it would have to be pretty dam-er-darned drastic. But you, young lady, _will_ come and talk to me before _ever _doing something like all this!"

I tried by best to look stern, to copy the expression I'd seen so often on the face of my father, as painful as that was. How the _hell _was I supposed to go about raising the child of a city who existed within the central computer of that city?

_So much for planned parenthood!_

_Tbc..._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Getting the Munchies

I had just closed my eyes, hugging the warm little body to me-and she was gone. The pain was back, though. Boy, was it _back_! Every inch of me seemed to hurt, and I wasn't about to even _think _about moving the slightest muscle. I was laying flat on my back, wrapped in something warm. Good thing, too, because I could feel the shivers wracking my body. Lethargy permeated every inch of me, dragging, but I resisted. It was too quiet here. I couldn't even hear myself breathing!

A whisper came then, barely audible. "I'm sorry. I can't help with this one. The seals are in place."

As soon as Allie's sweet voice was gone, my hearing kicked back in. I almost wished I'd stayed deaf.

"...typical military grunt! If there's a problem, bullets will solve it! You almost got Sheppard killed!"

I could be dead and still recognize _that _voice. The sonorous tones of Rodney McKay in full snit mode.

"If I hadn't shot, the colonel might have been dead! For the hundredth time, Rodney, I knew exactly what I was shooting at! Quit being so melodramatic!" A woman's voice I didn't recognize, sounding rather exasperated. I winced, knowing what was coming. Sure enough...

"Melodramatic! _Me!_ May I remind you that _I'm _not the one who offered to nobly sacrifice themselves not that long ago? Now who's melodramatic?"

"Rodney! Give it a rest! We all need some sleep, and I will _personally_ take a piece out of your hide if you wake Colonel Sheppard!" Elizabeth did _not _sound happy, but she got results. Silence descended and I drifted off again, dreaming... No, remembering...

_"Colonel Sheppard! I need to speak with you!"_

_Damn. Atlantis' resident village idiot!_

_"Dr. Kavanaugh, I really don't have time at the moment. I'm headed off-world in twenty minutes-"_

_"This won't wait! My research is vital and I can't do it properly if I can't go off-world! I was guaranteed that if I came back to Atlantis, there would be no interference with my work! I sent in all the paperwork, but that officious jerk, Major Low-"_

_"Is just doing his job! You haven't bothered to go through the military safety training required for off-world clearance! And its **Major Lorne**!" My jaw clenched. 0900 and this pain already had me yelling. Not my recommended way to start the day._

_"I've got much more important things to do then-"_

_The ass was actually sneering at me! I cut him off. "Get the proper clearance or you don't go. Period." _

_I quickly moved around him and on down the corridor, not bothering to wait for his response. Once I was out of range, I tapped my ear piece. _

_"Lorne, this is Sheppard."_

_"Yes, Colonel, what can I do for you?"_

_"I'm afraid its what I just did to you, Marcus. Kavanaugh headed your way. I told him no clearance, no gate, but he may try an end run."_

_There was a long moment of silence. "You're about to gate out, aren't you, sir?"_

_"Yep. And if that ass doesn't knock it off, I think I'll stay there."_

_A laugh. "I'll be ready for him. Good luck, sir."_

_"Thanks, Sheppard out."_

Slowly waking again, I groaned to myself. That? Could that possibly have been what set Allie off? When did my life get so complicated?

_Hey, look on the bright side John. That was your own memory!_

I drifted off for a while...only to wake to Round 2.

"Why don't you find a way to make yourself useful and blow that thing up!" Rodney again. Did the man never shut up?

A feminine sigh. "Last night you were complaining because I _did _shoot and the bullets ricocheted off its thick hide! Make up your mind, Rodney!"

"That was before we were in danger of _starving to death_! Do you want to do that? It's an _ugly _way to die!"

"Oh, _come on_!" I could just imagine Cadman's disbelieving roll of the eyes at that one. "There's still enough food and water for at least two days in the packs! Standard procedure, McKay. Besides, I don't see you doing much to get us out!"

"Ah, hello! No power! What am I, Miracles R Us? Made to order while you wait?"

I bit back a laugh, which quickly turned to a groan as my body protested. "You're slipping, McKay. That one was actually _funny_."

"John? Carson! He's awake!" As I opened my eyes, Elizabeth appeared, putting a restraining hand on my shoulder to keep me from trying to get up. Not that I had any intention of trying to at the moment.

"What is it with people yelling when I'm just waking up?" I grumpily muttered, then paused, trying to decide just what I was referring to. Something with a little girl...

Then my favorite Scottish doctor was there, his instincts about McKay, me, and trouble having been proved right. Again.

"Colonel! Just lay still an' let me have a look at ya. Still cold?"

I realized I _was _shivering a little, making the metallic emergency blankets I was wrapped in crinkle and crackle. I was also missing a few clothes.

"Yes, I am. Can I have my clothes back, doc? I don't exactly relish the idea of being rescued in my underwear."

That comment earned a light laugh from a relieved Elizabeth and an acknowledging grin from Carson.

"Aye, that might be a wee bit embarrassin'. Yer uniform's dry now, so we'll see what we can do in a minute. Think you can sit up an' lean against the wall here? I want ta listen to yer chest."

At my hesitant nod, he and Elizabeth gently began to lift me to a seated position. Despite Carson's question, _they_ were doing all the work, too. I found myself concentrating on convincing my head that imitating a carnival ride really wasn't necessary. Nor was passing out again. Or throwing up, for that matter! A nice, clean, _warm_ infirmary bed was starting to sound _awfully _good.

_Okay, now I know something's wrong with me!_

"Easy, son, just take deep breaths and things should settle. Yer body took quite a beatin' yesterday."

_My body wasn't the only thing. Little do they know..._

Finally, the world stayed in place, and I was able to open my eyes again. Curious, I surveyed the room, steadfastly ignoring Carson and his ever ready medical bag of tricks. It was fairly small, but dry, sitting at the proper angle, and lit by a skylight. I was leaning against one of the walls, with what looked like a workbench and several partially constructed machines right across from me. To the left was a blast door, obviously trapping us here, and the door we scrambled through yesterday was stuck mostly open to my right. Lieutenant Cadman had stationed herself about ten feet back from it, P-90 to hand and a nervous look on her face. Not good.

"So, what lovely Pegasus Galaxy critter is trying to suck, munch, or maim us now?" I asked Elizabeth, who had scooted around to lean against the wall next to me.

Unfortunately, that was all it took to set Rodney off again, who was impatiently pacing in a tight circle near me. At my question, he paused and glared at Cadman.

"Yes, why don't _you _tell Sheppard what we've gotten into _this_ time, Lieutenant Laugh-a-minute? You seem to have all the answers! Or maybe you'd like to volunteer to be its lunch so we can get by! Or-"

At that point, I tuned him out, just watching instead. McKay was beyond snit into full blown panic mode and I didn't feel up to dealing with it. Except...his voice had a harsh edge to it and his hands were shaking. Eyes narrowed, I suddenly had a hunch as to what was going on with the man. I reached for the tack vest beside me, which my head had previously been resting on, only to have my hand collide with Beckett's. We exchanged knowing looks as he placed a Power Bar in my hand, obviously having noted the same symptoms I had. Mindful of sore ribs, shoulder, and arm, I carefully drew back and let fly, the bar hitting my intended target square in the back of the head with a satisfying _thwap_.

"Hey! Sheppard!" McKay turned his glare on me, but I noticed that he didn't hesitate to scoop the tossed food off the floor, rip the wrapper, and take a huge bite.

I let fly again, though this time verbally, easily falling into the role of pissed off team leader. "If I _ever again _catch you letting your hypoglycemia kick in because you've worked yourself into a snit and forgotten to eat, you'll be joining Teyla, Ronon and I for daily physical training for a _month!_ Do I make myself crystal clear, McKay!"

His mouth dropped open, face suddenly white. "You-you can't order me to-"

"Oh, yes he can. He's your team commander, and I happen to agree with him!" Elizabeth's quiet, deadly calm voice cut through McKay's objections like a hot knife through butter.

_I knew there was a reason I liked this woman!_

"Just eat, Rodney. I have my hands full with just the Colonel at the moment. I really donna need another patient." Carson gave McKay an exasperated look, then turned his full attention back to me. "As for you, John, I want ya ta stay still and calm. You had a nasty bout of hypothermia yesterday, and yer temperature's still a little low. You also have a wee bit o' a bump on the head, a nasty cut on yer arm that'll need stitches and three cracked ribs. Not ta mention numerous cuts, abrasions, and bruises."

Wearily, I closed my eyes. "If someone will help me get dressed, then explain what's going on, I won't move another inch."

Carson snorted disbelievingly at that, but beckoned Rodney over to help. Between the two of them, once the ladies had promised not to peek, they got me redressed and settled back down, once more wrapped in the thin blankets. It at least made me feel a little more human, if exhausted. Before I could remind them that it was explanation time, however, a flash of movement brought my gaze to the open door. There was a crash that actually made the room shake as what looked like an enormous crocodile head thrust itself as far as it could into the room, massive jaws snapping closed just short of Cadman and Elizabeth.

"Damn! What the _hell _was _that_!"

"That, colonel, was part of our problem." Elizabeth quickly retreated, gracefully resuming her former spot next to me, though I could see she was a little shaken. "It can't get into the room and we can't get out. Lieutenant Cadman tried shooting it, but the bullets ricocheted off, and she tried a grenade, but the thing apparently spit it out into the ocean. We don't have any power, coms, or a way to get the other door open."

Rodney and Carson joined us with weary expressions and stiff movements. Looked like I wasn't the only one to pick up a few bruises. Abruptly, I remembered the whisper I had gotten earlier.

"Allie said Atlantis had sealed the room." I really needed to stop speaking my thoughts out loud. It tended to promote being stared at like I was insane.

"John...What are you talking about? Who's Allie?"

_Crap. I so did not want to get into this right now. Here goes nothing._

"Allie is a...child form that the Atlantis computer created to learn to be human. She's kinda the one responsible for my amnesia and the malfunctions. We sort of fed back on each other and scrambled everything. Last night, she brought me into the computer somehow so she could tell me. She promised to never do it again without talking to me first."

_Way to go, John. That was clear as mud. But how the hell do you explain it?_

McKay was the first to break the stunned silence. "Wait, you mean like an Avatar? An Artificial Intelligence in a humanoid body? Like that robot on the TV show _Andromeda_? That isn't possible! Is it?"

"That would be yes and yes, Einstein. And she said you were mean." I couldn't keep the light teasing note out of my voice.

"John, is she...a threat? I mean, you and I have discussed the possibility that the city had some rudimentary independent intelligence, and certainly the SGC had seen it before, but..." Our fearless leader seemed a little flabbergasted and hesitant about this one.

"If your asking is she going to make like a Replicator and try to take over everything, the answer is no, Elizabeth. She a scared, lonely, mixed up kid who just wants to learn about us and be loved. She didn't understand that what she was doing was wrong. She's the one who blocked my memories, because of a misunderstanding that's been cleared up now. She did it by taking advantage of a certain attack on me that all of you so carefully failed to mention!"

All three of them flinched at that, Beckett dropping his head in discomfort, much like Allie did.

Elizabeth sighed. "I'm sorry, John, we should have told you, but we all felt you had enough to deal with at the time. The nurse who did it managed to get through the Stargate, and his records here have all been falsified. I was waiting on your recovery and the return of the Daedalus with any further information before I discussed it with you."

"Hey! Does this mean that your memories will come back, though? I mean, since it wasn't actually the injury..." McKay was watching me rather closely.

_Why was he so nervous?_

"Some of them already have, thank God." I slumped back against the wall, a pleased grin on my face. "So, anyone tried the skylight?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "Of course! Do I look stupid to you? This was a _space ship_, Sheppard. That may _look_ like glass, but its actually some sort of transparent metal. I doubt even a direct hit with a drone could break it."

A gray fog settled over my eyes, my friends' voices receding to a distant murmur. My headache also spiked, prompting me to close my eyes.

"_Sorry, but this is an emergency. He's right, and Atlantis is about to initiate damage control protocols. She'll separate off the two rooms you're in and jettison them rather than allow further damage to the city. You have to get out of there in the next thirty minutes!" _Allie, sounding panicked and once again on the edge of tears. Shit.

As quickly as she had come, she was gone, leaving me with a pounding head. My companions' voices came back full volume, and not happy.

"Colonel! Can ya hear me, lad?"

"John!"

"Damn it, Sheppard!"

Allowing my eyes to open a crack, I glared at them. "_Will _you people stop _yelling_! Allie was warning me that Atlantis is going to allow this section to drop off. We need to find a way out of here, _now._"

"How! Or have you forgotten our Godzilla wannabe out there!" Rodney again.

I sighed, my gaze lighting on Cadman. "Wait a minute! Lieutenant, do you have any more grenades?"

She spun around and came over to us, puzzled. "Yes, sir, two. But the thing just spit it out last time."

"So we wrap it in something more tasty, like tricking a dog into taking a pill by hiding it in some food."

"That never worked with my cat." McKay was beginning to make me wish for some duct tape.

"Do you have a better idea?" I asked him sharply.

"No, but-"

"Then shut up, McKay! I'm gonna need that arm, doc." Carson had grabbed my bad arm, apparently to change the dressing on the long cut.

"Aye, I know. But ya said ya needed somethin' the beastie would think was food, right? How about a bloody bandage?"

At that moment, I could have kissed him. "Okay, who has the best throwing arm? Mine's a little weak right now."

Elizabeth smiled tightly. "I think that would be _me._ I used to pitch on my high school baseball team."

_How many more surprises does this woman have up her sleeve!_

"Right. After the bandage is wrapped around it, Cadman can pull the pin and you'll have about fifteen seconds to make your throw. Then we get outta here and have a jumper pick us up. Sounds easy enough."

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed at that. "Nothing's ever easy with you around, John Sheppard. We'll talk more about Allie later."

I gave her my best 'Who, me?' innocent look, my energy fading fast. Things started to fuzz out after that. I saw her throw her bundle of bloody bandage and bang at an immediately straining through the door Jaws, Jr. She certainly hit her target, too, right into that gaping jaw. My eyes slipped closed, but I still heard the bang, and the cheer from my companions...and cracked my eyes back apart just enough to see the other door slide open. At that point, I decided that sleep was the best alternative, and let myself slide into the warm, inviting darkness...

tbc...Just the wrap-up left.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: And a Good Time was had by All

Warning: Major Critical Mass Spoilers!

One Month Later...

The sun was warm on my face, relaxing, almost lulling me into sleep where I sat on the balcony, back braced against the wall of the city I called home. Things seemed to finally be settling down again, though I knew it would probably take a while for true normalcy to return. This morning, I had passed all my gate authorizing tests with Carson Beckett with flying colors, even the neural recall. Once Allie had quit blocking them, all of my memories had slowly returned, except the mission itself, which Carson told me was normal for trauma. Tomorrow, we would go back through the gate as a team for the first time since that mysterious injury that started it all. We needed it, too.

With a sigh, I glanced over at the petite woman leaning silently against one of the railings, steadfastly ignoring both Ronon and I. Teyla. The reason we were out here. I still felt a little guilty about not being at Charin's Ring Ceremony to support my friend in her grief, but it just hadn't been possible. Not with a Gou'ld trying to blow up Atlantis. Fortunately, that whole mess had come out right and Daedalus was now headed back to Earth with a recovering Colonel Caldwell, a captive snake, and a whiny Kavanaugh who threatened everyone he saw.

_Good riddance._

'You can say that again. You never told them you weren't going to leave me, did you?'

I smiled at the scrawl that appeared on the screen of the open laptop beside me. The little minx had even found a font that looked like a child's handwriting.

_No. They would have tried to stop me. But I made a promise to you and I have no intention of breaking it if its in my power to decide._

'Is Dr. Weir really okay with me being here? She wasn't very happy to find out I can effect a lot of the systems.'

_Elizabeth and I had a long talk not long ago, I just haven't had time to talk to you about it. She's worried, yes, but that's because she's never really met you. Go talk to her. Get to know her. Hey, here's an idea, play double solitaire with her! She plays it on the computer all the time._

'Huh. I might try that. I like games. Is it almost time for ours?'

_Almost. As soon as Rodney's here, too._

Allie and I had found that it was fairly easy for us to communicate over a computer, with her making text pop up, then reading the nonverbal answers I formed in my mind. It allowed her to interact with the others, as well, though they had to actually type or say their answers out loud so she could hear them through Atlantis' systems. Most typed since they felt weird talking to thin air. It didn't take her long to charm just about everyone willing to take the time to get to know her, either. I had no doubt that once she and Elizabeth actually had time, Allie would have her wrapped around her little finger, too. I still wasn't sure what she and Ronon talked about that had me hearing little giggles in my head.

Unfortunately, Rodney and children were not a good mix, even virtual ones. It seemed that I spent half my recuperation time in the infirmary after we got out of that room mediating yet another fight between the two of them. Carson finally banned Rodney from my bedside completely when he upset Allie to the point that my head was ready to explode and the lights in the infirmary were going nuts. I had to smile at the memory of _that_. I'd picked up a few new swear words in Gaelic to go with the Czech I was learning from Dr. Z. Rodney had that affect on people.

The only real problem that we still had was the question of the nurse who had tried to poison me. The Daedalus hadn't brought any answers, but then, if the guy was a Trust operative as we now suspected, Caldwell wouldn't have given us real information on the guy anyway. We had Dr. Novak's promise that she would speak with General Landry about it as soon as she got back to the SGC. I wasn't expecting much, though. These guys had been too good at covering their tracks in the past, and all of us were afraid that we hadn't seen the last of them.

_Problem for another day, John. Just enjoy the peace and quiet right now. Ooops, spoke too soon._

"Sheppard! There you are! I've been trying to reach you over the com for the last twenty minutes!"

I didn't even bother to open my eyes, though I felt the cold as his shadow fell over me, blocking the warm sun. "That's called ignoring you, Rodney. Carson's worried about my stress levels being too high."

Now, I did look at him, giving him an evil grin, _daring _him to contradict me.

He just rolled his eyes. "Hah! Hah! Now, _why _was your little friend not able to help with the ZedPM overloading? I thought she was part of Atlantis!"

I glanced to Ronon and Teyla for help, but they were busy talking and pointedly ignoring me. Apparently, I was on my own.

"For the thousandth time, McKay, she's a _kid!_ She's still learning! Besides, there _was_ the small problem of the command code. The same one, I might add, that locked _you _out!"

"Well, then, what good is she?"

"I don't know, McKay, but I'll bet _she_ could at least drive in a straight line!"

A stifled laugh from our other team mates widened my own 100 Sheppard lopsided grin. The astrophysicist stared at me, his face slack.

"I was hoping you wouldn't remember that!"

"Too bad. As a matter of fact, as near as Carson and I can tell, all my memories have returned except how I got injured in the first place. Which one of you is about to volunteer to tell me." Now I had the attention of Teyla and Ronon, too.

McKay crossed his arms, stiffening. "And _why _would we want to do that? It doesn't matter anymore anyway. You're fine!"

"Because, Rodney, I want to know, so here's the deal. One of you tells me and I get Allie to remove the force field she just sealed off this balcony with. If you don't, your only way off is to take a swim, and we never _did_ find out if Mrs. Jaws had more kids than the dead one Beckett stepped on. Your choice, folks."

I waited, entirely too pleased with myself. Teyla smiled slightly, giving her companions an 'I told you so' look, but she didn't answer me. McKay just looked grumpier, if that were possible. Ronon, however, shot one look over the high balcony and turned to McKay.

"I'm telling."

"What! You can't! I gave you my chocolate stash-!" McKay broke off, flashing me a guilty look as he realized what he'd just implied. I slowly stood, glaring at him. I'd had a feeling all along that the Canadian was mixed up in this somehow.

"You only gave me half, little man. I'm telling." Ronon loomed over the shorter man, daring him to object. After several seconds of silence, the Satedan turned to me. "We went to an uninhabited planet. Swampy. You told everyone to be careful about touching anything. McKay ignored you. Leaned against a tree."

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, having no doubt as to what the man was about to say.

"It fell on you."

"**MCKAY!**"

I spun around, but the only signs of the astrophysicist were an abandon PowerBar and the sound of footsteps quickly fading down the hall.

The End. Yes, I have a sequel being planned, so I left a few things loose. Thanks for reading:- )


End file.
